ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET TIGHTS?

 

Are you wearing fishnet tights?

That’s not a bad catch, I’ll bet

There’s a sight worth seeing

When you bend over Jeanette

That must be like the moment

The football hits the back of the net

TIGER, TIGER - MUTUAL APPRECIATION CLUB

 

Tiger should now have

Sympathy for baby seals

With first-hand knowledge

Of how they feel

As Tiger and the baby seal

Have in common

That they’ve both been clubbed

By a Scandinavian

SUBTLE DIFFERENCE

There is a subtle difference

Between “Put” and “Putt”

In meaning as well as spelling

I will attempt to elucidate

Their subtle difference

Clearly in the telling

 

“Put” means to place something

Where you ultimately want it

“Putt” is an unrealistic attempt

To do the same with the ball you hit 

ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 2

 

If Andy Murray wins Wimbledon

He will be called a super brit

But if he fails like those before

He will be that dour Scottish git

YOU CAN LEARN A LOT FROM TV

 

Fed up of missing his favourite shows on TV

Young Ben wanted was his own telly

“Could I have a telly in my room dad”?

Reluctantly Dad said yes to the lad

Ben stayed in his room the first night

Next morning, he gave his parents a fright

He asked his them “what is love juice?”

His mother left making some feeble excuse

Leaving his dad to explain the basics

Of sexual intercourse and its mechanics

The boy sat in open mouthed amazement

Dad asked him after his embarrassment 

“Exactly what program did you have on?”

The boy replied "I was watching Wimbledon"

WHO PUT THE GER IN ANGER

 

Waves of Rangers blue

Relentlessly Attack

Wave upon wave

Push their opponents back

 

But this valiant effort

This Rangers blue tide

That moved with precision

Pushing opponents aside

 

Did not happen in the stadium

Nor was a ball at their feet

This game took place

On Manchester’s city streets

 

The Waves of Rangers blue

With alcohol fuelled Fight

Brought to bear upon the police

Their vengeance and their spite

 

But if during the match

Such passion had been on show

Then the UEFA cup

Might have gone to Glasgow 

 

May 14th 2008

The events following the UEFA Cup final at the City of Manchester Stadium

EURO TRASH

 

After another dismal round of European qualifiers

I think it’s time for a change

There are too many countries now

So, I propose something radical

Norway and Sweden should merge

To become Swedway or Norden

Spain and Portugal could become

Sportugal, Porpain or Spugal

Denmark and Finland would be Finmark

Belgium and Holland would become Belland

Germany and Austria would either be

Gerstria or the fourth reich

The Balkan states could reform as Yugoslavia

Greece and Turkey could be Treece or Gurkey

The USSR could regroup, for sporting reasons only of course

And the home nations could combine to become England

ARE YOU WEARING BOXING GLOVES?

Are you wearing boxing gloves?

Well as they say “if the cap fits”

I should say it’s not before time

And might curb your nocturnal habits 

TIGER, TIGER - SHORT YARDAGE

 

Tiger can drive a Golf ball

400 yards, effortlessly

But can only drive a car

Little more than three

POINTING THE FINGER - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

We were predictable, disorganized and poor

Our ineptitude was there for all to see

But as much as the players failed to turn up

And performed disappointingly

We were tactically bereft as well

Because Fabio Capello has no plan B

THE NATURAL

 

As a footballer I must confess

My skills locker is somewhat bereft

I am a naturally two footed player

But unfortunately, both of them are left