BIMBETTE ENTERED A SWIMMING COMPETITION

 

Bimbette entered a swimming competition

In the breaststroke much to her alarm

She came last and claimed she was cheated

As the other swimmers used their arms

BIMBETTE ENTERED A SWIMMING COMPETITION

 

Bimbette entered a swimming competition

In the breaststroke much to her alarm

She came last and claimed she was cheated

As the other swimmers used their arms

A GOOD EXERCISE

 

Exercise is a good thing

Pushing your body physically

It can take many forms

I like cycling particularly

I like golf and swimming

I like long walks, especially

When they are taken by

People who annoy me

LOCAL INQUIRY

 

I rang up my local swimming baths

Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

The reply he received was quite rum

'It depends where you're calling from.'"

Uncanny Tales – (020) Unsuitable Viewing at the Lido

 

When I was growing up in the sixties we lived in North London and one of the things I really loved to do was to go swimming and we were quite well fixed for pools in the area and I would swim until the chlorinated water left my eyes red and sore.

But of all the pools I swam in, the one I loved to swim in most of all was the Durnsford Road Lido, especially during the summer months.

It was only sixpence to get in and for that paltry sum you could stay all day long, which of course I did and I would spend as many days of the holidays there as I could, playing with friends and watching Mad Jack stunt diving off the high platform.

When I first started to go there it was just a joy to spend all the time in the sparkling water.

As I got older, I would come to appreciate the many delicacies on which to feast the eyes upon, delicacies invisible to the eye of the eleven-year-old boy who first visited the pool.

 

On one particular visit after I’d got the maximum value from my sixpence and enjoyed a full day in the pool, I was getting changed and I caught sight of something quite disturbing as an old man stepped out of the shower.

Though when I say he was an old man I should point out that from the perspective of a teenage boy everyone over twenty was old.

But just as he passed me he lowered his towel, though not in a pervy way, and he revealed the biggest scrotum I had ever seen, before or since, not that I had seen a lot of scrota and those I had seen belonged to my peer group so were somewhat pink and hairless.

But not only was this old man’s scrotum huge it was also purple, in fact it looked like a large purple boxing glove.

I was taken aback by the extraordinary spectacle but with my limited knowledge of old men’s genitalia I was left to conclude that I was destined to acquire a large purple ball bag of my own one day, and as I stood there holding my speedos in front of my shrivelled specimen I thought

“If I’m going to get one like that, then I’m definitely going to need bigger trunks”

 

HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER

 

He was a serious swimmer

And was in the pool constantly

But his progress was halted

In his lane, by an elderly lady

“How long must I wait?” he asked

She replied “until I finish my pee”

LOCAL INQUIRY

 

I rang up my local swimming baths

Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

The reply he received was quite rum

'It depends where you're calling from.'

IN OR OUT OF SYNCH

 

If a synchronized swimmer

Were to drown

Would the rest of the team

Also go down?

IN OR OUT OF SYNCH

If a synchronized swimmer

Were to drown

Would the rest of the team

Also go down?