IT WAS A BAD WINTER OLYMPICS

 

It was a bad winter Olympics

First it was the Luge I had a go at

Then I found myself on thin ice

Following some aggressive chat

Then I joined with the ski jumpers

And it was all downhill after that

AFTER MANY YEARS OF HARD WORK

 

After many years of hard work

Dedication, and repetitive training

Honing my craft at small events

Being informative and entertaining

 

So, when the Olympics came around

My confidence was brimming

But I still ended up commentating

On the synchronized swimming

AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS GAMES

 

At the Winter Olympics Games

One of the sponsors participating

Is a pharmaceutical giant who

Are sponsoring the Speed skating

ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS

 

One of the teams at the Olympics

Made a clean sweep good and proper

Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze

As well as all the lead and copper

LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY

 

Nothing surprised me more

About the 2012 Olympics

Than the opening ceremony

It was astonishingly good

I must admit I had my doubts

I feared a parade of stretch Limos

Disgorging scores of scantily clad

Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras

And a climax of the ceremony

Would have been a group

Of Hurray Henrys from the city

Dropping their trousers

And farting out a rendition

Of Rule Britannia

Before one of the bare arsed brokers

Would use an Olympic torch

To light a fart

And subsequently ignite

The Olympic flame

AT THE OLYMPICS THE ROMANIANS

 

At the Olympics the Romanians

Made a clean sweep good and proper

Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze

As well as all the lead and copper

LONDON 2012 # 2

 

Alas I was in error

There is no end to the terror

Alas I was sadly wrong

The Olympic whinge goes on

THE MCCARTNEY TRIALS 2012

 

I enjoyed the Jubilee concert

It was a wonderful night

I thought the opening ceremony

For the games was just right

 

But before any other major events

I want to know one thing

When is someone going to tell sir Paul?

That he can’t bloody sing

I LOVE THE OLYMPICS

 

I love the Olympics

And now it’s on home soil

It gives us an opportunity

As our competitor’s toil

 

To see them taking part

In events of this and that

Of seeing all the many sports

The team GB are so awful at

LONDON 2012 # 1

 

After seven long years

Of blood sweat and tears

The games can commence

And that test of human endurance

Can come to an end

As we abandon that trend

That has made us all cringe

The seven-year Olympic whinge

ARE YOU WEARING OLYMPIC SUITS?

 

Are you wearing Olympic suits?

Well, you’re looking very smart

You’re Essex lads, aren’t you?

I bet you can’t wait for it to start

You will show to the world at large

That you have good hearts

When you’re lighting the torches

Show us you possess some smarts

For I hope there is more to you

When the 2012 Olympiad starts

Than dropping your tailored trousers

And lighting up your farts

WE’VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE MUSHROOM

 

We’ve all heard about the mushroom

Who turned out to be the fungi sort

But he also won gold at the Olympics

So he’s a true champignon of sport

MY HUSBAND MAKES LOVE TO ME

 

“My husband makes love to me

Like an Olympic athlete, honestly”

She boasted to her peers

“So, it’s once every four years”

OLYMPIANS V PARALYMPIANS

 

The Olympics is the pinnacle

For any man and woman

But I believe that an Olympian

Is actually merely Human

Whereas a Paralympian

Is quite obviously Superhuman

OLYMPIC CONDOMS

 

“My Olympic condoms have arrived”

A husband told his wife excitedly

“I think I’ll wear gold tonight” he said

And her shoulder’s slumped resignedly

“I would rather you wore silver and came

second for a change” she replied sweetly

GREAT BRITAIN WERE INVITED

 

Great Britain were invited

To the Belgium town of Mons

For the sun tanning Olympics

And the whole team got Bronze

GOLD SILVER OR BRONZE

 

Gold, Silver or Bronze

That is the obvious question

What hue will his urine be

When they test the Russian

I RAN A PERSONAL BEST

 

I ran a personal best

In the 100 metres

And my new record is

Almost 80 metres

LONDON 2012 # 2

 

Alas I was in error

There is no end to the terror

Alas I was sadly wrong

The Olympic whinge goes on

I LOVE THE OLYMPICS

 

I love the Olympics

And now it’s on home soil

It gives us an opportunity

As our competitors toil

 

To see them taking part

In events of this and that

Of seeing all the many sports

The team GB are so awful at