GOLF V BASEBALL

Golf is undoubtedly

Harder than baseball.

As in Golf, you must

Play your foul balls

WORLD CUP RUSSIA 2018 – ENGLAND 0, BELGIUM 1

 

The old England are back,

I don’t know where they’ve bin’

But from a position of strength

They fucked up agin’

They’ve managed to lose,

Very much to their chagrin,

To a weak Belgium team,

Who didn’t even want to win

GOLF IS A MENTAL GAME

 

Golf is a mental game

And I don’t mean cerebral

You have to hit down

To make the ball go up.

You swing left and

The ball goes right

The lowest score wins.

And if that’s not mad enough,

The winner buys the drinks.
But if you get a hole in one

You buy the whole bar a drink

GIVE ME GOLF CLUBS

 

Give me Golf clubs, fresh air

And partner beautiful and fair

And to be honest you can keep

The Golf clubs and the fresh air

 

A paraphrasing of one of the great Jack Benny’s gags

GOLF AND PORN

He was flicking channels between Golf and porn

So, he asked his wife “Which one should I watch eh?”

“For Heaven's sake, watch the porn” she snapped

“Golf! That you already know how to play”

OLYMPIC CONDOMS

 

“My Olympic condoms have arrived”

A husband told his wife excitedly

“I think I’ll wear gold tonight” he said

And her shoulder’s slumped resignedly

“I would rather you wore silver and came

second for a change” she replied sweetly

GOLFING EXPECTATIONS

 

I was retired and played quite a lot of Golf

I teed off hoping for a good round ahead

And had the intention of shooting my age,

But unfortunately, I shot my weight instead

 

A paraphrasing of one of the great Bob Hope’s gags

WHAT IS YOUR EXCERSISE REGIME?

 

“What is your exercise regime?”

I was asked by my new personal trainer

I said if I already had a regime

I wouldn’t need a personal trainer

GREAT BRITAIN WERE INVITED

 

Great Britain were invited

To the Belgium town of Mons

For the sun tanning Olympics

And the whole team got Bronze

IRONIC ADVERTISING

 

I fell about laughing when I saw Serena

In an ironic Advertisement for Tempur

As given her recent display of stress

It should have been a “bad Tempur” mattress

CAR FOOTBALL IS ACTUALLY A THING

 

Car Football is actually a thing

And some people think it’s cute

But I don’t think cars should play

Because they only had one boot