GOLF AND PORN

He was flicking channels between Golf and porn

So, he asked his wife “Which one should I watch eh?”

“For Heaven's sake, watch the porn” she snapped

“Golf! That you already know how to play”

OLYMPIC CONDOMS

 

“My Olympic condoms have arrived”

A husband told his wife excitedly

“I think I’ll wear gold tonight” he said

And her shoulder’s slumped resignedly

“I would rather you wore silver and came

second for a change” she replied sweetly

GOLFING EXPECTATIONS

 

I was retired and played quite a lot of Golf

I teed off hoping for a good round ahead

And had the intention of shooting my age,

But unfortunately, I shot my weight instead

 

A paraphrasing of one of the great Bob Hope’s gags

WHAT IS YOUR EXCERSISE REGIME?

 

“What is your exercise regime?”

I was asked by my new personal trainer

I said if I already had a regime

I wouldn’t need a personal trainer

GREAT BRITAIN WERE INVITED

 

Great Britain were invited

To the Belgium town of Mons

For the sun tanning Olympics

And the whole team got Bronze

IRONIC ADVERTISING

 

I fell about laughing when I saw Serena

In an ironic Advertisement for Tempur

As given her recent display of stress

It should have been a “bad Tempur” mattress

CAR FOOTBALL IS ACTUALLY A THING

 

Car Football is actually a thing

And some people think it’s cute

But I don’t think cars should play

Because they only had one boot

MY GIRLFRIEND LOVES HORSES AND

 

My girlfriend loves horses and

All things Shakespearian

And she says “To be or not to be

A horse rider, that is equestrian”

ONE OF THE FOOTBALL SPECTATORS

One of the football spectators

Obstructed the keeper’s view

By standing between the posts

But, then that’s Annette for you

SW19 CHEESE

 

When you are at Wimbledon

And you order a cheese baguette

The filling will most likely be,

Given the location, Tennis Raclette

ADMIRED ATHLETES

 

I have great admiration 

For athletic competitors

But you’ve got to hand it

To those relay runners