I HAVE AN ANGEL ON MY DASHBOARD

 

I have an Angel on my dashboard

She’s my special lucky charm

I have an angel on my dashboard

Who’s keeping me from harm

AT THE ESSEX GAMES # 1

 

At the Essex Games

Beginning next year

For the Essex folk

Have hit a snag I fear

 

On health safety grounds

There will be no swimming

Because it has transpired

That the pool was brimming

With dirty brown water

When every girl and man

Had dived into the pool

Wearing too much fake tan

BE ENGLISH

 

Celebrate the victory

With your piers

Drown the woes of foes

In English beer

Sing loud the songs of triumph

Whisper low of near disasters

Be magnanimous in victory

Be humble in defeat

Be proud, be loud

Be English

MY PASTIME

 

My pastime is, that I like to Fish

I’d do it all the time if I got my wish

But my wife hates me doing it

And she wants me to stop doing it

I say to her it’s just my hobby  

She says its just plain nobby

I say potato she says potaeto

I say tomato she says tomaeto

I say it’s just an innocent pastime

She says next time should be the last time

I say it is about the quiet peace

She says it has to cease

I say it’s appreciating the stillness

She say it’s a mental illness

She says I need to get a life

I thing I just need a different wife

SEXLESS

 

Women body builders

Think they look fab

All muscular

And not an inch of flab

With feminine parts

Under triangular tabs

Unfortunately, you couldn’t

Sex them in a lab

ENGLAND COACH

 

Steve McLaren has said recently

He is looking forward apparently

To taking the England football team

To the next world cup, it would seem

This is only likely to happen in reality

If he’s the coach driver quite frankly

WINNING HAND

 

When you’re playing poker

I think it’s true in all cases

That a Smith and Wesson

Will always beat four aces

YOU’LL LIKE THIS

 

Something that may get you in a fix

Is demonstrating fancy card tricks

For more than one serious gambler

Just before you’re about to play poker

SEXING FLIES

 

Joan found her husband George

Indulging in a strange caper

Stalking about the kitchen

With a rolled-up newspaper

 

"What on earth are you doing?"

She asked with annoyance.

"I’m doing battle with flies"

Was his proud response

"Have you killed any yet?"

She asked, walking to the door

"Three male and two females

Is the current score”

"How can you sex a fly?"

Asked a now interested Joan

"I killed three on a beer can; 

The other two were on the phone" 

MATCH OF THE DAY

 

I took the boys to the match
Down the road on Saturday
I take them to the home games
But we never ever go away

 

They’re only a conference side
About mid table if were lucky
If we manage a decent cup run
The pundits call us plucky

 

Almost numb with boredom
We suffered a dull first half
The ref fell over on his arse
So at least we had a laugh

 

To cheer the boys up a bit
I took them to a burger bar
I didn’t know how long we’d be
The line didn’t seem that far

 

The true concept of “fast food”
Seems to have passed them by
As we spent half time queuing
For two hot dogs and a pie

 

I sent the boys to the stands
Coming over all paternal
I queued on my own and missed
Two goals after the interval

 

Back in the stand with the boys
I realized I’d got nothing for me
And when I tied Josh’s shoelace
I missed goal number three

 

I saw the last five minutes
Until the final whistle blew
Still at least we won the match
The last time we only drew

 

Match days are meant to be fun
I must be totally off my brain
Halfway home without a coat
It starts to pour with rain

 

Forty quid to see the match
Plus fast food and a program
Still at least I spent the day
With my boys Ben Josh and Sam

MASCOT

I was amused to see at the weekend that the Bolton Wanders mascot a seven foot Lion was ordered by the referee to stay at the Bolton end of the ground in the first half because the lion was confusing the Norwich City players.

At half time the Lion reappeared wearing the Bolton away strip and was allowed to resume his duties.

I can’t help thinking that Norwich city's position at the foot of the premiership table may be related to their inability to differentiate between a seven foot Lion and fellow footballers.