WINNING HAND

 

When you’re playing poker

I think it’s true in all cases

That a Smith and Wesson

Will always beat four aces

YOU’LL LIKE THIS

 

Something that may get you in a fix

Is demonstrating fancy card tricks

For more than one serious gambler

Just before you’re about to play poker

SEXING FLIES

 

Joan found her husband George

Indulging in a strange caper

Stalking about the kitchen

With a rolled-up newspaper

 

"What on earth are you doing?"

She asked with annoyance.

"I’m doing battle with flies"

Was his proud response

"Have you killed any yet?"

She asked, walking to the door

"Three male and two females

Is the current score”

"How can you sex a fly?"

Asked a now interested Joan

"I killed three on a beer can; 

The other two were on the phone" 

MATCH OF THE DAY

 

I took the boys to the match
Down the road on Saturday
I take them to the home games
But we never ever go away

 

They’re only a conference side
About mid table if were lucky
If we manage a decent cup run
The pundits call us plucky

 

Almost numb with boredom
We suffered a dull first half
The ref fell over on his arse
So at least we had a laugh

 

To cheer the boys up a bit
I took them to a burger bar
I didn’t know how long we’d be
The line didn’t seem that far

 

The true concept of “fast food”
Seems to have passed them by
As we spent half time queuing
For two hot dogs and a pie

 

I sent the boys to the stands
Coming over all paternal
I queued on my own and missed
Two goals after the interval

 

Back in the stand with the boys
I realized I’d got nothing for me
And when I tied Josh’s shoelace
I missed goal number three

 

I saw the last five minutes
Until the final whistle blew
Still at least we won the match
The last time we only drew

 

Match days are meant to be fun
I must be totally off my brain
Halfway home without a coat
It starts to pour with rain

 

Forty quid to see the match
Plus fast food and a program
Still at least I spent the day
With my boys Ben Josh and Sam

MASCOT

I was amused to see at the weekend that the Bolton Wanders mascot a seven foot Lion was ordered by the referee to stay at the Bolton end of the ground in the first half because the lion was confusing the Norwich City players.

At half time the Lion reappeared wearing the Bolton away strip and was allowed to resume his duties.

I can’t help thinking that Norwich city's position at the foot of the premiership table may be related to their inability to differentiate between a seven foot Lion and fellow footballers. 

UP AND OVER

 

Nudists whilst staying in the camp

Must never, even if tempted

When playing games of leapfrog

Fail to complete all jumps attempted

THE GRAND NATIONAL

Jockeys in bright coloured racing silk

Representing owners of every ilk

The horses fidget with ears pricked

Punters shout for the horse they picked

Ready for the off the tension mounts

A lot of money bet on turf accounts

they’re at the start now all in a line

The starter waits till all is fine

And they’re off, and the horses surge

Moving en mass like a cavalry charge

 

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey

Doing battle on Grand National day

Hooves thunder hard past the rail

Who will win the race who will prevail

 

On they go riding at a steady rate

Five fences in the opening straight

Then the big one Bechers Brook

Some don’t fancy it when they take a look

Then the Foinavon fence before Canal Turn

Valentines is then the next big concern

Three more fences and the field is thinning

Across the Melling Road and turning

Over two more fences before the Chair

Then the water jump and halfway there

 

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey

Doing battle on Grand National day

Hooves thunder hard past the rail

Who will win the race who will prevail

 

The crowd cheers loudly those who remain

As the magnificent beasts go around again

Along the straight five fences once more

Then Bechers Brook counts its score

Beneath them the ground seems to quake

The leaders leaving fallers in their wake

Then the Foinavon fence before Canal Turn

Valentines is once again the big concern

Three more fences and the field is thinning

Across the Melling Road and turning

 

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey

Doing battle on Grand National day

Hooves thunder hard past the rail

Who will win the race who will prevail

 

Two more fences and the volume gets loud

Almost home to the delight of the crowd

Jump the last fence and land ahead

Keep your wits about you, keep your head

The finishing straight the end in sight

Across the finish line to the crowds delight

For the winner at the end of the road

The great sporting accolade is bestowed

A spectacle on an afternoon well spent

For those who witness the great event

BALLOON GUY

 

The gender of a hot air balloon

Is distinctly male by definition

The obvious thing to compare

Is of course it’s full of hot air

And to get it to move even a little bit 

You have to light a fire under it

McPELE

 

Brazil Brazil is the Celtic chant

From the clan McCarlos and McCafu

Scotland's allies in the yellow and blue

Must defeat the Englishmen for you

I feel more pity than I feel contempt

Though not enough to shed a tear

What a truly sad existence you endure

No talented team of Scots to cheer

How sad and bitter you poor Celts are

Lacking a worthy team home grown

You must bathe in the reflected glory

Of greater nations than your own

PRIDE IN THE EAST

 

Travelling east to play the game
Not thought to set the world aflame
Making friends while you're away
Impressing with your football play
Pleasing critics with what they see
Though they call you England B
Well done the noble men in green
With Holland, Dunn and Robbie Keane
You've really done your country proud
Let them proudly sing your names aloud

THAT'S NOT CRICKET

 

Cricket is not my sport that I have to say
But the game appears to be in the doldrums
For me the most exiting part of the match
Are the barmy army beating their drums
They spread the event over five full days
In an effort to make it appear more fun
But if they want to make it more exciting
They should make them play tip and run