YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE

 

You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville

Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player

Now he would also appear to be

Second best as a football commentator

If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest

He would finish second to his brother

BEER AND FOOTBALL

 

Beer and football are

As exciting for me

As handbags and shoes

Are for you, really

A YOUNG WOMAN GOLFER

 

A young woman golfer had just started

Her round, when she was stung by a Bee,

It was so painful she abandoned the game

And returned to the clubhouse for sympathy

Her golf pro saw her as she returned

And wondered why she was back so early

So he went to ask her what was wrong

And she told him “'I was stung by a Bee”

 

“Oh dear, that’s awful” he said “Where?”

He was sympathetic right from the start

“Between the first and second hole”

She replied wincing at the stings smart.

He nodded knowingly and said

“Then your feet were too far apart”

ARE YOU WEARING FOOTBALL BOOTS?

 

Are you wearing football boots?

Well I can see you’re ready to play

I have just one small criticism

Namely we’re playing Golf today

A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED

 

A Spanish golfer was stabbed

Not multiple wounds, just the one

But nobody knew just exactly

Who it was made a hole in Juan

ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS

 

One of the teams at the Olympics

Made a clean sweep good and proper

Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze

As well as all the lead and copper

HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER

 

He was a serious swimmer

And was in the pool constantly

But his progress was halted

In his lane, by an elderly lady

“How long must I wait?” he asked

She replied “until I finish my pee”

MURRAYFIELD RENAMED MUDDYFIELD

 

It had rained for days on end

The pitch had had its fill

So much so that the turf moved

But the scrum stayed still

LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY

 

Nothing surprised me more

About the 2012 Olympics

Than the opening ceremony

It was astonishingly good

I must admit I had my doubts

I feared a parade of stretch Limos

Disgorging scores of scantily clad

Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras

And a climax of the ceremony

Would have been a group

Of Hurray Henrys from the city

Dropping their trousers

And farting out a rendition

Of Rule Britannia

Before one of the bare arsed brokers

Would use an Olympic torch

To light a fart

And subsequently ignite

The Olympic flame

ARE YOU WEARING A REPLICA SHIRT?

Are you wearing a replica shirt?

So what team is it you support?

I don’t recognise the badge

Who the hell are Southport?

THE INTERNATIONAL SAILING RESULTS ARE IN

The international sailing results are in

The GB took the gold medal once again

While Somalia took a middle-aged couple

Who were on holiday from Colerain