THE ROYAL AND ANCIENT AND A SAINT

 

I know little about St Andrew

Other than a shared name

With a famous Golf course

So he must have liked a game

BERT TRAUTMANN

 

Goalkeeper Bert Trautmann

Was from a different age

When topflight players

Were not spoilt and pampered

He didn’t live in a mansion

Or have a selection of sports cars

To get to work on match days

From his home in Stockport

To Maine road in Manchester

He had to catch two buses

WE HAVE A GREAT WELSH INTERNATIONAL

 

We have a great Welsh international

Known affectionately as Griff

Well, when I say he’s Welsh

His parents once went to Cardiff

VERY ECONOMICAL WITH THE BALL

 

Very economical with the ball

That is a quality worth merit

Our captain is only economical

As he’s too slow to get near it

A GOLF OF DIFFERENCE

I have been playing Golf for years

And sometimes it makes me curse

But it doesn’t matter how bad I play

I know next time it could be worse

FOUL WEATHER GOLFER

 

If you don’t mind playing Golf in the rain,

Snow, Storm, Tempest or a hurricane,

Then not wishing to burst your bubble

It’s not just your golf game that’s in trouble

WE HAVE A GREAT IRISH INTERNATIONAL

 

We have a great Irish international

By the name of Kevin O’Rourke

Well when I say he’s Irish

His parents once went to Cork

IN THE PROGRAM THEY SAY OF HIM

 

In the program they say of him

That he is a loyal player to the team

But in truth no other club

Will have him it would seem

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 1

 

My wife doesn’t go to the gym

She doesn’t suffer from delusions  

But she gets all the exercise she needs

Just from jumping to conclusions

WE HAVE A MIDFIELD GENERAL # 1

 

We have a midfield General

Who’s really completive and hard

But everyone that we play

Just think he’s a dirty bastard

IN THE LONDON MARATHON

 

In the London marathon

One of my friends ran

Dressed as a chicken

While another one ran

Dressed as an egg

I don’t know who came first

IN THE PROGRAM THEY SAY

 

In the program they say

He’s a real seasoned player

But what they really mean

Is he’s past it the poor geezer

AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS GAMES

 

At the Winter Olympics Games

One of the sponsors participating

Is a pharmaceutical giant who

Are sponsoring the Speed skating

PLAYING A WOOD

For most of us weekend golfers

The only wood that is essential

To carry in your golf bag

Is a finely sharpened pencil 

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 290

Robin and Richard were two pretty men,

They laid in bed till the clock struck ten;

Then up starts Robin and looks at the sky:

"Oh, sod it Richard, the sun's very high!

Stop sniggering and pull on your knickers

We’re late for training at Twickers” 

RUNNING GENES

 

Scientists say there are now

Running Genes

But surely it would chafe

If you ran in Jeans

THE VICTORIANS

 

The Victorians

Invented a lot of sports

Or if not invented,

Encouraged their development

As a means of instilling, fair play

Teamwork and discipline

Into the next generation

As way of training the youth

For life in the wider world

I don’t know how

The Victorians would view

The sportsmen and women of today

Not favourably I suspect

INDUSTRIALISED SPORT

 

Sport was industrialised by the Soviet Union

To promote communism

And not the money hungry capitalist west

But it profited capitalism

I HAVE AN ANGEL ON MY DASHBOARD

 

I have an Angel on my dashboard

She’s my special lucky charm

I have an angel on my dashboard

Who’s keeping me from harm

AT THE ESSEX GAMES # 1

 

At the Essex Games

Beginning next year

For the Essex folk

Have hit a snag I fear

 

On health safety grounds

There will be no swimming

Because it has transpired

That the pool was brimming

With dirty brown water

When every girl and man

Had dived into the pool

Wearing too much fake tan

BE ENGLISH

 

Celebrate the victory

With your piers

Drown the woes of foes

In English beer

Sing loud the songs of triumph

Whisper low of near disasters

Be magnanimous in victory

Be humble in defeat

Be proud, be loud

Be English

MY PASTIME

 

My pastime is, that I like to Fish

I’d do it all the time if I got my wish

But my wife hates me doing it

And she wants me to stop doing it

I say to her it’s just my hobby  

She says its just plain nobby

I say potato she says potaeto

I say tomato she says tomaeto

I say it’s just an innocent pastime

She says next time should be the last time

I say it is about the quiet peace

She says it has to cease

I say it’s appreciating the stillness

She say it’s a mental illness

She says I need to get a life

I thing I just need a different wife

SEXLESS

 

Women body builders

Think they look fab

All muscular

And not an inch of flab

With feminine parts

Under triangular tabs

Unfortunately, you couldn’t

Sex them in a lab

ENGLAND COACH

 

Steve McLaren has said recently

He is looking forward apparently

To taking the England football team

To the next world cup, it would seem

This is only likely to happen in reality

If he’s the coach driver quite frankly

WINNING HAND

 

When you’re playing poker

I think it’s true in all cases

That a Smith and Wesson

Will always beat four aces

YOU’LL LIKE THIS

 

Something that may get you in a fix

Is demonstrating fancy card tricks

For more than one serious gambler

Just before you’re about to play poker

SEXING FLIES

 

Joan found her husband George

Indulging in a strange caper

Stalking about the kitchen

With a rolled-up newspaper

 

"What on earth are you doing?"

She asked with annoyance.

"I’m doing battle with flies"

Was his proud response

"Have you killed any yet?"

She asked, walking to the door

"Three male and two females

Is the current score”

"How can you sex a fly?"

Asked a now interested Joan

"I killed three on a beer can; 

The other two were on the phone" 

MATCH OF THE DAY

 

I took the boys to the match
Down the road on Saturday
I take them to the home games
But we never ever go away

 

They’re only a conference side
About mid table if were lucky
If we manage a decent cup run
The pundits call us plucky

 

Almost numb with boredom
We suffered a dull first half
The ref fell over on his arse
So at least we had a laugh

 

To cheer the boys up a bit
I took them to a burger bar
I didn’t know how long we’d be
The line didn’t seem that far

 

The true concept of “fast food”
Seems to have passed them by
As we spent half time queuing
For two hot dogs and a pie

 

I sent the boys to the stands
Coming over all paternal
I queued on my own and missed
Two goals after the interval

 

Back in the stand with the boys
I realized I’d got nothing for me
And when I tied Josh’s shoelace
I missed goal number three

 

I saw the last five minutes
Until the final whistle blew
Still at least we won the match
The last time we only drew

 

Match days are meant to be fun
I must be totally off my brain
Halfway home without a coat
It starts to pour with rain

 

Forty quid to see the match
Plus fast food and a program
Still at least I spent the day
With my boys Ben Josh and Sam

MASCOT

I was amused to see at the weekend that the Bolton Wanders mascot a seven foot Lion was ordered by the referee to stay at the Bolton end of the ground in the first half because the lion was confusing the Norwich City players.

At half time the Lion reappeared wearing the Bolton away strip and was allowed to resume his duties.

I can’t help thinking that Norwich city's position at the foot of the premiership table may be related to their inability to differentiate between a seven foot Lion and fellow footballers. 

UP AND OVER

 

Nudists whilst staying in the camp

Must never, even if tempted

When playing games of leapfrog

Fail to complete all jumps attempted

THE GRAND NATIONAL

Jockeys in bright coloured racing silk

Representing owners of every ilk

The horses fidget with ears pricked

Punters shout for the horse they picked

Ready for the off the tension mounts

A lot of money bet on turf accounts

they’re at the start now all in a line

The starter waits till all is fine

And they’re off, and the horses surge

Moving en mass like a cavalry charge

 

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey

Doing battle on Grand National day

Hooves thunder hard past the rail

Who will win the race who will prevail

 

On they go riding at a steady rate

Five fences in the opening straight

Then the big one Bechers Brook

Some don’t fancy it when they take a look

Then the Foinavon fence before Canal Turn

Valentines is then the next big concern

Three more fences and the field is thinning

Across the Melling Road and turning

Over two more fences before the Chair

Then the water jump and halfway there

 

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey

Doing battle on Grand National day

Hooves thunder hard past the rail

Who will win the race who will prevail

 

The crowd cheers loudly those who remain

As the magnificent beasts go around again

Along the straight five fences once more

Then Bechers Brook counts its score

Beneath them the ground seems to quake

The leaders leaving fallers in their wake

Then the Foinavon fence before Canal Turn

Valentines is once again the big concern

Three more fences and the field is thinning

Across the Melling Road and turning

 

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey

Doing battle on Grand National day

Hooves thunder hard past the rail

Who will win the race who will prevail

 

Two more fences and the volume gets loud

Almost home to the delight of the crowd

Jump the last fence and land ahead

Keep your wits about you, keep your head

The finishing straight the end in sight

Across the finish line to the crowds delight

For the winner at the end of the road

The great sporting accolade is bestowed

A spectacle on an afternoon well spent

For those who witness the great event

BALLOON GUY

 

The gender of a hot air balloon

Is distinctly male by definition

The obvious thing to compare

Is of course it’s full of hot air

And to get it to move even a little bit 

You have to light a fire under it

McPELE

 

Brazil Brazil is the Celtic chant

From the clan McCarlos and McCafu

Scotland's allies in the yellow and blue

Must defeat the Englishmen for you

I feel more pity than I feel contempt

Though not enough to shed a tear

What a truly sad existence you endure

No talented team of Scots to cheer

How sad and bitter you poor Celts are

Lacking a worthy team home grown

You must bathe in the reflected glory

Of greater nations than your own

PRIDE IN THE EAST

 

Travelling east to play the game
Not thought to set the world aflame
Making friends while you're away
Impressing with your football play
Pleasing critics with what they see
Though they call you England B
Well done the noble men in green
With Holland, Dunn and Robbie Keane
You've really done your country proud
Let them proudly sing your names aloud

THAT'S NOT CRICKET

 

Cricket is not my sport that I have to say
But the game appears to be in the doldrums
For me the most exiting part of the match
Are the barmy army beating their drums
They spread the event over five full days
In an effort to make it appear more fun
But if they want to make it more exciting
They should make them play tip and run

ENGLAND IN THE EAST World Cup 2002 Korea and Japan

In 2002 England were in the east

Intending to serve up a football feast

The ginger ninja’s were in control

Butt and Scholes in the midfield role

Campbell, Southgate and Ferdinand at the back

Owen, Heskey, Fowler and Vassel in attack

In goal David seaman with his ponytail

Praise be to the English hero’s hail

By example Beckham driving on his team

In vein pursuit of the world cup dream

In the end we just weren’t good enough

Beaten by a lucky Brazil goal to make it tough

SPORTY WIFE

 

Now I keep telling my wife

No matter what she may have thought

In no way shape or form

Can shopping be considered a sport

IT’S A FUNNY OLD GAME

 

Every Saturday it’s the same old story

With are mates we bathe in the reflected glory

As our heroes play the beautiful game

We sing and cheer and chant their names

They get at them early doors in attack

A Drag back and he’s skinned the fullback

What skill he’s left the fullback for dead

The strikers there and wants it on his head

He heads the ball but no it’s hit the frame

The crowd all chant the strikers name

Another attack, Pass & move Give & go

The home teams putting on a great show

The ball comes to the striker as planned 

But what a save it’s in the keeper’s hands

Again, the ball comes to Johnny on the spot

He shoots did it go in? Was it a goal or not?

No goals and the last minute, one more chance

The fullback is passed like he’s in a trance

The balls in the middle and shot against the bar

The striker has an open goal he misses by far

We boo and jeer and chant their names

The striker is pants and it’s a funny old game

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 1

 

Living life in cartoons

A happy life in Looney tunes

Incomprehensible croons

Beneath silvery moons

Shooting at pink balloons

With captain Ahab’s harpoons

Spending Sunday afternoons

Chatting with baboons

Playing cricket in the dunes

With chipmunks and raccoons

Eating out of date prunes

With runsible spoons

 

GAME OF LIFE

 

What I want to know is why it is that

Now I have become one of the old farts

And I’m finally holding all the cards

Everyone else decides to play darts

HARE COURSING

 

On the whole,

No pun intended,

It was a pleasant day

On the Golf course

The sun was warm

The wind was light

The golf was

A mixture of the sublime

And the ridiculous

A day of ups and downs

As my scorecard testified

But the par 4 15^th

Was a different story

I had hit a crisp drive

From the elevated tee

And away it flew

Straight down the middle

As Bing once sang

It landed just short of the dog leg

Kicked to the right

And rolled perfectly round the turn

After such a shot

You feel ten feet tall

As you stride down the fairway

And I felt every inch of it

When I reached my ball

I found it sitting up invitingly

And with an unhindered path to the green

I had a birdie chance.

Slightly ahead and to the right

A rather large Rabbit,

Was enjoying the afternoon sun

Blissfully unaware of what was to come

I selected my club

And addressed the ball

“Just hit it straight”

I told myself

I swung the club towards the ball

In a perfect ark

But I must have lifted my head

Because there was and ugly contact

And the ball sliced away

In the direction of the Rabbit

Now had he just stayed still

He would have lived

But alas at the sound of the sliced contact

The Rabbit leapt vertically in the air

Straight into the path of the ball

And died instantly

Now looking back, I could have claimed

That the Rabbit put me off

But it didn’t really

If the ball had followed its path

I would have been out of bounds

So, the Rabbit sacrificed himself

To save my par

A GAME OF ARRA’S

Me and some friends

Fancied a game of darts

I said, “Nearest the bull

To see who starts”

Johnny went “Woof”

And I went “Baah”

Then Danny went “Moo”

He was the closest by far

EXTREME SPORTS TIP # 1

 

You don’t need a parachute

To go skydiving

Unless you want to make it

A regular thing

SWEAR WORD SCRABBLE

 

Great fun games for the English summer

They don’t have to be expensive

Play new swear word Scrabble

It’s a simple game not for the pensive

All words must be in common usage

And should be genuinely offensive

TEN MINUTES LATE

 

In a brand new job and in a brand new town
A young man named George started working
A group of his fellow employees always met
For a round of golf every Saturday morning
After finding out that George was a golfer
He was asked if he could make the golf date
George replied that he would love to play
But that he might well be ten minutes late
On Saturday morning he was there at ten
He played right handed and won the play
Next week George says that he will be there
But he may be ten minutes late on the day
He shows up right on time and proceeded
To play golf left handed, and win the round
This continues for a fair number of weeks
He may be ten minutes late on the ground
But without fail always turns up on time
And then wins playing with either hand
The other players are getting fed up with this
And an explanation for this they all demand
"George, every Saturday you say you may be
Ten minutes late, but are never late to begin
“Then you play either right or left handed”
“And despite this” they said, “you always win?”
"I’m superstitious so every Saturday I wake up
I look over at my wife in the first morning light
If she sleeps on her left side, I play left-handed
If she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right"
They absorbed this information with disbelief
"Well," one of the men said “ tell us straight”
"What happens if she is laying on her back?"
George replies, "Then I‘m ten minutes late."

MARADONNA

 

"A genius footballer” bloody cheek

He looks more like a circus freak

He's nothing more than a Latin cheat

Who's certainly had too much to eat

LOCAL INQUIRY

 

I rang up my local swimming baths

Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

The reply he received was quite rum

'It depends where you're calling from.'"

JOBS FOR THE BOYS

 

Horacio Elizondo is ref for the final

His obvious Reward

For a flawless performance

Helping Portugal go forward

SENIOR GOLFING MOMENT

I was in the golf shop browsing

The different types of golf balls

I had been using the women’s type

And wasn’t getting on with them at all

I was approached by an assistant

Who was dark handsome and tall

He asked if he could help me.

And without even thinking at all

I looked at him and said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

MAN A BALLOON

 

A hot air balloon is male,

Because, to get it to go anywhere

You have to light a fire under it,

And of course it’s full of hot air.

ZZ TOP

 

Zidane in Germany in 2006

Was given the golden ball

Voted the tournaments best player

The most outstanding of them all

A great reward for his foul conduct

Viciously head butting a rival

And before a global audience

Sent off in the world cup final

Was this the act of a great player?

Or of a thug that the world abhors

Was his behavior out of character?

Or has he now shown his true colors

FOREIGN JOHNNY’S ON THE SPOT

 

When they show their skills, they earn our respect

After scoring they celebrate and genuflect

They have great skill which we respect

But their cheating is what we’ve come to expect

PLAYING AROUND

 

She was my little sex kitten

Lively and playful

Very kittenish indeed

I had long hankered after her

With her Reassuring curvaceousness

And the feeling was apparently mutual.

She had a liking for the open air

And a penchant for the dangerous

So, while her husband played 18 holes

We played around

And made love in the long grass

Beside the eighteenth green

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TEA BAG

 

The difference between a tea bag

And Woking Football Club

Is a simple one to discover

A tea bag stays longer in the cup

MARATHON MAN

 

I used to be a Marathon man

A Marathon man was I

Then they renamed them Snickers

I don’t know why

LET’S SPLIT

 

I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits

It’s an ambition since my earliest days

The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”

I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

But by the third week

It started to get hard

As that’s when I started trying

To put on the leotard

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

So for the second week

I’ve begun to do a little more

I’ve started driving past

A sporting goods store

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

So, for the first week

I am watching sport on TV

BLONDSKI

Bimbette always wanted to go water skiing

And desperately wanted to fulfil her hope

But despite an lengthy and extensive search

She was unable to find a Lake with a slope.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 19

 

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,

What makes you come so soon?

Just think about cricket the next time

that we get down to it in my room

CAR FOOTBALL IS A THING

 

Car Football is actually a thing

If not to everyone’s desire

Nonetheless the car was in

The dressing room, changing attire

WHEN I FIRST GOT INTO ATHLETICS

 

When I first got into athletics

A hurdle scared me a bit

But with dogged perseverance

I managed to get over it

I’M A REALLY KEEN CRICKET FAN AND

 

I’m a really keen cricket fan and

This summer I’ve watched it everyday

But now it’s over and I have discovered

That my wife left me back in May

A FRISBEE

 

I was wondering,

Why does a Frisbee

Appeared larger and larger

Then it hit me