MY LOVE LIFE AT HOME IS VERY APT

 

My love life at home is very apt

Considering the Ice Dancer I am

As we begin with the compulsories

Followed by the short program

OUR STAR SPRINTER IS NOT A LOOKER

 

Our star sprinter is not a looker

But that doesn’t bother us

We still cheer him to the rafters

But we do call him FastHidious

A MAN SPILT ALL HIS SCRABBLE TILES

A man spilt all his Scrabble tiles

It happened in a heartbeat

Leaving letters all over the road,

"Well that's the word on the street?" 

MY DOG ATE ALL THE SCRABBLE TILES

 

My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles

When they were spilt on the mat

And for days he kept leaving

Little messages around the flat

Uncanny Tales – (020) Unsuitable Viewing at the Lido

 

When I was growing up in the sixties we lived in North London and one of the things I really loved to do was to go swimming and we were quite well fixed for pools in the area and I would swim until the chlorinated water left my eyes red and sore.

But of all the pools I swam in, the one I loved to swim in most of all was the Durnsford Road Lido, especially during the summer months.

It was only sixpence to get in and for that paltry sum you could stay all day long, which of course I did and I would spend as many days of the holidays there as I could, playing with friends and watching Mad Jack stunt diving off the high platform.

When I first started to go there it was just a joy to spend all the time in the sparkling water.

As I got older, I would come to appreciate the many delicacies on which to feast the eyes upon, delicacies invisible to the eye of the eleven-year-old boy who first visited the pool.

 

On one particular visit after I’d got the maximum value from my sixpence and enjoyed a full day in the pool, I was getting changed and I caught sight of something quite disturbing as an old man stepped out of the shower.

Though when I say he was an old man I should point out that from the perspective of a teenage boy everyone over twenty was old.

But just as he passed me he lowered his towel, though not in a pervy way, and he revealed the biggest scrotum I had ever seen, before or since, not that I had seen a lot of scrota and those I had seen belonged to my peer group so were somewhat pink and hairless.

But not only was this old man’s scrotum huge it was also purple, in fact it looked like a large purple boxing glove.

I was taken aback by the extraordinary spectacle but with my limited knowledge of old men’s genitalia I was left to conclude that I was destined to acquire a large purple ball bag of my own one day, and as I stood there holding my speedos in front of my shrivelled specimen I thought

“If I’m going to get one like that, then I’m definitely going to need bigger trunks”

 

DO LAZY PEOPLE EXERCISE

 

Do lazy people exercise?

I happen to think probably not

But if they did something

It would be a Diddly-squat

TODAY I ADDED INSULT ONTO INJURY

 

Today I added insult onto injury

To a recovering paragliding enthusiast

As they lay motionless in Casualty

When I wrote something rude on his cast

GETTING ON # 8

 

When they finally reach old age

Men chase golf balls

Because they’re too old to chase

Anything else at all

YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE

 

You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville

Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player

Now he would also appear to be

Second best as a football commentator

If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest

He would finish second to his brother

BEER AND FOOTBALL

 

Beer and football are

As exciting for me

As handbags and shoes

Are for you, really

A YOUNG WOMAN GOLFER

 

A young woman golfer had just started

Her round, when she was stung by a Bee,

It was so painful she abandoned the game

And returned to the clubhouse for sympathy

Her golf pro saw her as she returned

And wondered why she was back so early

So he went to ask her what was wrong

And she told him “'I was stung by a Bee”

 

“Oh dear, that’s awful” he said “Where?”

He was sympathetic right from the start

“Between the first and second hole”

She replied wincing at the stings smart.

He nodded knowingly and said

“Then your feet were too far apart”

ARE YOU WEARING FOOTBALL BOOTS?

 

Are you wearing football boots?

Well I can see you’re ready to play

I have just one small criticism

Namely we’re playing Golf today

A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED

 

A Spanish golfer was stabbed

Not multiple wounds, just the one

But nobody knew just exactly

Who it was made a hole in Juan

ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS

 

One of the teams at the Olympics

Made a clean sweep good and proper

Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze

As well as all the lead and copper

HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER

 

He was a serious swimmer

And was in the pool constantly

But his progress was halted

In his lane, by an elderly lady

“How long must I wait?” he asked

She replied “until I finish my pee”

MURRAYFIELD RENAMED MUDDYFIELD

 

It had rained for days on end

The pitch had had its fill

So much so that the turf moved

But the scrum stayed still

LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY

 

Nothing surprised me more

About the 2012 Olympics

Than the opening ceremony

It was astonishingly good

I must admit I had my doubts

I feared a parade of stretch Limos

Disgorging scores of scantily clad

Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras

And a climax of the ceremony

Would have been a group

Of Hurray Henrys from the city

Dropping their trousers

And farting out a rendition

Of Rule Britannia

Before one of the bare arsed brokers

Would use an Olympic torch

To light a fart

And subsequently ignite

The Olympic flame

ARE YOU WEARING A REPLICA SHIRT?

Are you wearing a replica shirt?

So what team is it you support?

I don’t recognise the badge

Who the hell are Southport?

THE INTERNATIONAL SAILING RESULTS ARE IN

The international sailing results are in

The GB took the gold medal once again

While Somalia took a middle-aged couple

Who were on holiday from Colerain

AT THE OLYMPICS THE ROMANIANS

 

At the Olympics the Romanians

Made a clean sweep good and proper

Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze

As well as all the lead and copper

SIX BANNED WHEELCHAIR ATHLETES

Six banned Wheelchair athletes

From the Paralympics team GB

Were found to have tested positive

For WD40

HE DIDN’T CUT A DASH

 

He did not in anyway

Cut a dash

His skinny legs

Hung below his shorts

Like two pieces

Of knotted string

And yet he ran

Like a gazelle

CLEAN AND JERK

 

I’ve just found out about the clean and jerk

I don’t mind saying I feel a bit of a burke

In fact I doubt I could feel any dafter

Because I generally clean mine after

WE HAVE A MIDFIELD GENERAL # 2

 

We have a midfield General

Highly talented but temperamental

A hard working terrier

But on a bad day he’s just mental

THE GIMME

 

If the “Gimme Putt”

Is the best you can do

Then I would have to say

That Golfs not for you

THE CROWD WENT WILD

 

The crowd went wild

And the opposition reeled

As the Chicago Bugs

Won again at Wriggly Field

GO NOW BILL

 

WILLIAM ANTHONY "BILL" FOULKES - (5 JANUARY 1932 – 25 NOVEMBER 2013)

 

Go now Bill

Lay down the captain’s armband

You’ve earned your rest

Our tower of strength

Straight backed

Rugged and dependable

Take your place

Among your equals

And be at peace

 

Your strong facade

Oft betrayed

By sadness in your eyes

The sadness of survival

So go now Bill

And join the babes

You’ve missed so much

And take your place

Among immortals

MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2

 

My Dad doesn’t go to the gym

And he hasn’t yet come unstuck  

As he gets all the exercise he needs

Entirely by pushing my luck

OUR TEAM PLAY AT AN HISTORIC GROUND

 

Our team play at an historic ground

We on the terraces all proudly roar

All the visiting fans shout in reply

That it’s an old run down eye sore

THE PRACTICE SWING

 

If your practice swing

Is the best you can do

Then I would have to say

That Golfs not for you

BATSMEN WEAR A PROTECTIVE BOX

 

Batsmen wear a protective box

In order to ensure

That the bowler cannot

Rearrange his furniture

THE FIRST TESTICULAR PROTECTION

 

The first testicular protection

Known as a "box" was introduced

In 1874

Whereas the first cranial protection

Known as a “helmet” was introduced

In 1974

So it only took a hundred years

For Cricketers to figure out the score

That balls shouldn’t be more

Important than brains anymore

AT THIS YEAR’S INSECT SUPER BOWL

 

At this year’s insect Super Bowl

The quarterback played dismally

Rimsky-Korsakov dropped the ball

It was the plight of the fumble Bee

AS A MULTI SPORTS CLUB GRASSHOPPER

 

As a multi sports club Grasshopper

Club Zürich are just the ticket

They play a large number of sports

Though funnily enough Not Cricket

JOHN MCENROE ONCE SAID

 

John McEnroe once said,

And I completely agree,

That “The older we get

The better we used to be”

SPORTING DECEIT

 

An affair between a Sportscaster

And my wife was my suspicion

And when I found them, they were

In the commentary position