PLAYING A WOOD

 

For most of us weekend golfers

The only wood that is essential

To carry in your golf bag

Is a finely sharpened pencil

RUNNING GENES

 

Scientists say there are now

Running Genes

But surely it would chafe

If you ran in Jeans

I RAN A PERSONAL BEST

 

I ran a personal best

In the 100 metres

And my new record is

Almost 80 metres

TO DRY GREENHOFF’S TEAR’S

 

1976, in May

Doc’s red army

Witnessed the young guns

Fail at Wembley

To that iffy goal

Scored by bobby stokes

When Coppell hill and co

Failed to beat McMenemy’s men

A motley crew

Of has-beens and nobody’s

The sick, the lame and the lazy

Won the day

2005, in May

The red army

Witnessed Fergie’s men

At St Mary’s

By two goals to one

Relegate them

To the championship

The old division two

Almost thirty years

The saints were a thorn in United’s flesh

Finally, the ghost of 76

Has been well and truly laid

HERR BECKENBAUR

 

Oliver Khan the man of the hour

If you talk to Mr. Beckenbaur

But its different it would seem

When he's talking of the German team

Because if you put them in a sack

And gave the sack a mighty whack

Whoever it was received the blow

Would in no doubt deserve it so

IT’S A FUNNY OLD GAME

Every Saturday it’s the same old story

With are mates we bathe in the reflected glory

As our heroes play the beautiful game

We sing and cheer and chant their names

They get at them early doors in attack

A Drag back and he’s skinned the fullback

What skill he’s left the fullback for dead

The strikers there and wants it on his head

He heads the ball but no it’s hit the frame

The crowd all chant the strikers name

Another attack, Pass & move Give & go

The home teams putting on a great show

The ball comes to the striker as planned

But what a save it’s in the keeper’s hands

Again the ball comes to Johnny on the spot

He shoots did it go in? Was it a goal or not?

No goals and the last minute, one more chance

The fullback is passed like he’s in a trance

The balls in the middle and shot against the bar

The striker has an open goal he misses by far

We boo and jeer and chant their names

The striker is pants and it’s a funny old game

HAND OF GOD

 

It was in Mexico in nineteen eighty six
When English hearts sank to the floor
When England were to meet Argentina
In the world cup quarterfinal draw

On that infamous night it occurred
The event that made the spectators roar
Diego Maradonna their great player
Had to use his hand to help them score

The English players protested in vain
That Maradonna had used his hand
Amazingly the referee gave the goal
Something that I still don't understand

There was much discussion with the pundits
The video replay confirmed the cheating
Ironically his second goal was brilliant
And sealed the result of our defeating

Maradonna used a hand to help him score
But Diego claimed it was the hand of god
Argentina believes he is a national hero
The English all know he's a cheating sod

FOUR YEARS TIME

 

They said we’d never make the trip
Along came Sven to steer the ship
Injury time deep we win a free kick
Golden balls scores with the final kick

The group of death they put us in
They said that not a game you’ll win
Well we reached the quarterfinal
Losing to Brazilian’s inspirational

We will be back in four years’ time
To great new heights we will climb
Our place at the top we will regain
And we will win the world cup again

FORFAR 5 EAST FIFE 4

 

 

My boy has just got into football
Which is a very good thing after all
His choice of team worries me though
As he's chosen Charlton Athletico
I don't want to put him off football
But it's not Charlton Athletico at all
He may find the truth a bitter pill
As it's really Charlton Athletic nil

FOREIGN JOHNNY’S ON THE SPOT

 

When they show their skills, they earn our respect

After scoring they celebrate and genuflect

They have great skill which we respect

But their cheating is what we’ve come to expect

FOLLOW THAT MAN

 

Many years ago when
One hundred white men
Chased a single black man
It would have been the Klan
However we can be sure
Today it's just the PGA tour

ENGLAND IN THE EAST - World Cup 2002 Korea and Japan

 

 

In 2002 England were in the east
Intending to serve up a football feast
The ginger ninja's were in control
Butt and Scholes in the midfield role
Campbell, Southgate and Ferdinand at the back
Owen, Heskey, Fowler and Vassel in attack
In goal David seaman with his ponytail
Praise be to the English hero's hail
By example Beckham driving on his team
In vein pursuit of the world cup dream
In the end we just weren't good enough
Beaten by a lucky Brazil goal to make it tough

 

ENGLAND COACH

 

Steve McLaren has said recently
He is looking forward apparently
To taking the England football team
To the next world cup, it would seem
This is only likely to happen in reality
If he’s the coach driver quite frankly

CAN’T PLAY AWAY

 

The eternal problems for all football teams

Was keeping players fit to fulfil their dreams

As with unfit players they were bound to fail

But today the problem is keeping them out of jail

 

GENETIC MARKERS

 

Scientists say they have discovered

Genetic markers that indicate athleticism

I think if they take a close look at mine

I will have markers for Couch potatoism

BALLOONING

Of all the pastimes
Which defy all logic
Hot air ballooning
Must be the most fantastic
You take off
With no controls to ponder
At the mercy of the wind
Into the great blue yonder
Floating up and away
Heart fit to blow a gasket
Gripping the handrail
And stood in a picnic basket
A Bunsen burner flames
Under a piece of fabric
Hot air ballooning
Must be the most fantastic

A GOOD SPORT

 If you are thinking of taking up a sport

Then here’s a thought

If you are going to try cross-country skiing

This is what I’m thinking

Make sure you are well equipped to ski

And start with a small country

AU REVOIR - LA COUPE DE MONDE

 They travel east

With Gaelic pride
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
Its said pride comes
Before a fall
They fell from high
Against Senegal
The next game a win
Or wonder why
A draw this time
With Uruguay
The final game
They have to win
Their cup defense
Must now begin
Will they play
Them off the park
They lose again
Against Denmark
So France crash out
And exit early
Perhaps they'll miss
The hurly burly
No broken hearts
They leave behind
Were glad they're gone
To be unkind
So what's the reason
France are out
We demand to know
The Frenchies shout
The answer is in
My firm belief
They should have eaten
British Beef

1966

 

Crossed from the wing
By Alan Ball
He picks out Hurst
Who's standing tall
He takes control
A turn and shot
Its hit the bar
Was it in or not?
It crashes down
Onto the line
Has it crossed?
It must this time
It's not a goal
The Germans say
Where's the ref
He's gone away
He even asks
The linesman too
He nods his head
England three - two
I have regrets
About that day
We did not win fare
The Germans say
Nearly forty
Years of doubt
Was the ball in?
Or was the ball out
But if Hunt had only
Knocked it in
We would not have
All the arguing

ARE YOU WEARING OLYMPIC SUITS?

 

Are you wearing Olympic suits?

Well, you’re looking very smart

You’re Essex lads, aren’t you?

I bet you can’t wait for it to start

You will show to the world at large

That you have good hearts

When you’re lighting the torches

Show us you possess some smarts

For I hope there is more to you

When the 2012 Olympiad starts

Than dropping your tailored trousers

And lighting up your farts

 

 

ACED

 

My uncle sadly died at Wimbledon

He was a killed by a tennis ball

I wasn’t too sad at the funeral

It was a lovely service after all

GOOD OLD FIFA

 

Good old FIFA

Are getting very fat

With a fee for this

And a fee for that

HERR BECKENBAUR

 

Oliver Khan was the man of the hour

If you talk to Mr. Beckenbaur

But it’s different it would seem

When he’s talking of the German team

Because if you put them in a sack

And gave the sack a mighty whack

Whoever it was received the blow

Would in no doubt deserve it so

WHO DOES HE SUPPORT?

 

“England are out what did you think?

What a free kick” he gave me a wink

“Those Brazilian’s are good though

Best team won don’t you think so?”

Now he wasn’t English that for certain

And he surely didn’t look Brazilian

Now there a clue a sardonic grin

He really must be of Celtic origin

FOUR YEARS TIME

 

They said we’d never make the trip

Along came Sven to steer the ship

Injury time deep we win a free kick

Golden balls scores with the final kick

 

The group of death they put us in

They said that not a game you’ll win

Well, we reached the quarterfinal

Losing to Brazilian’s inspirational

 

We will be back in four years’ time

To great new heights we will climb

Our place at the top we will regain

And we will win the world cup again

THE PRIDE OF ENGLAND

 

Everyone full of national pride

The atmosphere was electrified

St George’s cross’s everywhere

As our Englishness we’d share

They didn’t win the cup out east

While serving up a football feast

They won new friends out there

And hearts of people everywhere

Bringing new pride to the nation

And deserving of our admiration

DASH IT ALL

 

They called it the dash

Way back in the day

A short word for a short race

Dash was the right word to say

Now they call it the sprint

Like it’s something elite

It’s still just a short race

That’s been hijacked by the Effete

COOL PICK UP

 It's just impossible

As far as I can see

To look cool

While picking up a Frisbee

PATHLETICS

 

I hate most track athletes

But sprinters really get my goat

The fastest men on earth they claim

As they strut and preen and gloat

Running very fast in a straight line

Small beer for such a big ego

And they excel for less than ten seconds

Duration unimpressive to my wife I know

On the African plains they’d fail to impress

I can say that without being rude

In the eyes of a hunting lioness

They would be little more than fast food

BEST OF A DECADE

 

The soundtrack of the sixties

Was by Lennon and McCartney

But it was little Georgie Best

Who did the choreography

IT'S ONLY A GAME

“It's only a game,” they might say

It’s not a life and death thing

No one ever says, “It's only a game”

When their team is winning