YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE

 

You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville

Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player

Now he would also appear to be

Second best as a football commentator

If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest

He would finish second to his brother

ENGLAND IN BRAZIL 2014

 

 2010You should always have a plan B

In Completive football I’d say

Unfortunately for England though

They neglected to have a plan A

IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME

 

If footballers spent more time

Training and practising their skills

Instead of feeling the sting

Of the tattoo artists drills

They would gain the fans respect

Instead of looking like utter pills

DOWN AT THE STABLES

 

Down at the stables

We have a dirty phone caller

Who we have nicknamed

The hoarse Whisperer

A PHYSICAL JERK

 

I never take any form

Of physical exercise

I don’t want to be fit

If I see a jogger with

A smile on their face

Then I might try it

WIMBLEDON TOP CEED

 

The top ceed began with

A firm backhand

Which was a bit harsh

On the ball boy

ELATED JOCKEY

 

Jumping the last, sure footed,

Never a hint that he may fall

And after winning the race

The jockey felt five feet tall

BRENTFORD VERSUS WATFORD

 

Brentford versus Watford,

Is basically me against my cousin

The Bee’s against the Hornet’s

I’m telling you we’re buzzin

ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS

 

One of the teams at the Olympics

Made a clean sweep good and proper

Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze

As well as all the lead and copper

MURRAYFIELD RENAMED MUDDYFIELD

 

It had rained for days on end

The pitch had had its fill

So much so that the turf moved

But the scrum stayed still

LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY

 

Nothing surprised me more

About the 2012 Olympics

Than the opening ceremony

It was astonishingly good

I must admit I had my doubts

I feared a parade of stretch Limos

Disgorging scores of scantily clad

Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras

And a climax of the ceremony

Would have been a group

Of Hurray Henrys from the city

Dropping their trousers

And farting out a rendition

Of Rule Britannia

Before one of the bare arsed brokers

Would use an Olympic torch

To light a fart

And subsequently ignite

The Olympic flame