PLAYING A WOOD

 

For most of us weekend golfers

The only wood that is essential

To carry in your golf bag

Is a finely sharpened pencil

THE VICTORIANS

 

The Victorians

Invented a lot of sports

Or if not invented,

Encouraged their development

As a means of instilling, fair play

Teamwork and discipline

Into the next generation

As way of training the youth

For life in the wider world

I don’t know how

The Victorians would view

The sportsmen and women of today

Not favourably I suspect

RUNNING GENES

 

Scientists say there are now

Running Genes

But surely it would chafe

If you ran in Jeans

INDUSTRIALISED SPORT

 

Sport was industrialised by the Soviet Union

To promote communism

And not the money hungry capitalist west

But it profited capitalism

AMATEURISM

 

Amateurism, when participating

Was more important than winning

Well that idealism has been lost

Because today it’s win at all cost

TRANSFER SURPRISE

 

I was surprised Mario Balotelli left City

Though it was surrounded in farce

I would have thought it more likely

That he’d disappear up his own arse

I RAN A PERSONAL BEST

 

I ran a personal best

In the 100 metres

And my new record is

Almost 80 metres

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN INTO THE OCCULT

 

I have always been into the occult

I think the spirits interest me the most

So, the Paralympics disappointed me

Because I didn’t see a single ghost

AT THE ESSEX GAMES # 1

 

At the Essex Games

Beginning next year

For the Essex folk

Have hit a snack I fear

 

On health safety grounds

There will be no swimming

Because it has transpired

That the pool was brimming

With dirty brown water

When every girl and man

Had dived into the pool

Wearing too much fake tan

WE WERE AT THE WEIGHTLIFTING

 

We were at the weightlifting

Watching the woman at work

My friend shouted “great snatch”

I said, “Isn’t this the clean and jerk?”

2012 - SUMMER OF SPORT

For the most splendid

Summer of sport

We should thank Lord Coe

And all the ambassadors

All the games makers

And the volunteers

We should thank the armed forces

For stepping into the breech

Technicians and officials

All the competitors

For performing to their best

And the spectators

Just for being there

And last but by no means least

For their foresight

All those years ago

In clearing the Olympic site

We say a big thank you

To the German Luftwaffe