INDUSTRIALISED SPORT

 

Sport was industrialised by the Soviet Union

To promote communism

And not the money hungry capitalist west

But it profited capitalism

AMATEURISM

 

Amateurism, when participating

Was more important than winning

Well that idealism has been lost

Because today it’s win at all cost

TRANSFER SURPRISE

 

I was surprised Mario Balotelli left City

Though it was surrounded in farce

I would have thought it more likely

That he’d disappear up his own arse

I RAN A PERSONAL BEST

 

I ran a personal best

In the 100 metres

And my new record is

Almost 80 metres

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN INTO THE OCCULT

 

I have always been into the occult

I think the spirits interest me the most

So, the Paralympics disappointed me

Because I didn’t see a single ghost

AT THE ESSEX GAMES # 1

 

At the Essex Games

Beginning next year

For the Essex folk

Have hit a snack I fear

 

On health safety grounds

There will be no swimming

Because it has transpired

That the pool was brimming

With dirty brown water

When every girl and man

Had dived into the pool

Wearing too much fake tan

WE WERE AT THE WEIGHTLIFTING

 

We were at the weightlifting

Watching the woman at work

My friend shouted “great snatch”

I said, “Isn’t this the clean and jerk?”

2012 - SUMMER OF SPORT

For the most splendid

Summer of sport

We should thank Lord Coe

And all the ambassadors

All the games makers

And the volunteers

We should thank the armed forces

For stepping into the breech

Technicians and officials

All the competitors

For performing to their best

And the spectators

Just for being there

And last but by no means least

For their foresight

All those years ago

In clearing the Olympic site

We say a big thank you

To the German Luftwaffe

THE ESSEX GAMES

 

The Essex Games

Begin next year

For the Essex folk

Who will appear

 

In manmade fibres

And gaudy splendour

To watch the best of them

In their endeavours

 

When Dave and Chelsea

Shazza and Baz

Will perform for us to watch

In such events as

 

Copping a strop

Vagazaling

The stiletto 100m

And the bling

 

Throwing a tantrum

The Alco pop crawl

The face dive

And the ungraceful fall

 

As yet the events list

Is relatively small

Unless you can suggest

Anything at all?

WELL NOW THE PARALYMPICS ARE OVER

 

Well now the Paralympics are over

The call is coming loud and clear

To accommodate those unfortunates

Whose disadvantages were just too severe

For them to be able to compete

So, following a simply inspired idea

Next summer on the sporting Calendar

A brand-new event will appear

To accommodate the unfortunates

When the “Essex Games” begin next year

CLEAN AND JERK

 

I’ve just found out about the clean and jerk

I don’t mind saying I feel a bit of a burke

In fact I doubt I could feel any dafter

Because I generally clean mine after