CLEAN AND JERK

 

I’ve just found out about the clean and jerk

I don’t mind saying I feel a bit of a burke

In fact I doubt I could feel any dafter

Because I generally clean mine after

PROUD FATHER OF THE PARALYMPICS

Professor Sir Ludwig "Poppa" Guttmann

 

How proud would Ludwig be?

If he could only see

The oak tree that has grown

From his tiny acorn sown

 

As a Jew he was no stranger

To prejudice and its danger

He had seen the Nazi storm

And they’re concept of the norm

He saw how disabilities lead

To the slaughter shed

So he fled to London

And his work was begun

 

How proud would Poppa be?

If he could only see

The fruits of his endeavours

To change the view forever

Of people written off

“Only cripples?” he would scoff

 

He was a tour de force

And single minded of course

Who didn’t see freak show exhibits

But challenges to the human spirit

 

How proud he would have been

If he could have only seen

When Paralympians, each and every one

Out shone the September sun

STOLEN MOMENTS

 

Drug cheats should receive,

No second chance, no reprieve

A total ban for their crime

And the ban should be lifetime

 

The winner of the event

The one for whom the gold was meant

Doesn’t stand atop the podium

And hear their anthem in the stadium

 

The true gold medal recipient

Is for ever robbed of that moment

Though their honour was earned

That moment can never be returned

WHY UNITED?

My mate asked me why

I’m a United fan

I replied that it was

Because my brother Dan

Supported the Reds,

Also, my dad was a United man

And my mum was a

Lifelong United fan

So that was why I was also

A Man United fan

 

“That’s ridiculous” he said

“What if your brother was a thug?

Your mum was a prostitute

And your dad was on drugs

What would you be then?

You poor misguided fool?”

“Well obviously” I replied

“Then I'd support Liverpool”

WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL

 

When I was at school

Our English teacher, Mrs Rowan

Once asked of us as homework,

During the half term holiday

To memorize our favourite poem,

This was met by groans,

By the class, but not me

I chose A.E.Housman’s

“Ode to an athlete dying young”

And it has stayed with me ever since

WE ARE TRADITIONALISTS # 2

 

We are traditionalists

In our village

Deep in little Britain.

And on a weekend

There is nothing

We like better

Than a game 

Of ten peasant bowling

THE PURPLE DEPTHS

 

The purple depths

Of heather on the hill

Looked down at their reflections

In the watery shadows

Of the timeless loch

WE ARE TRADITIONALISTS # 1

 

We are traditionalists

In our village

Deep in little Britain.

And on a weekend

There is nothing

We like better

Than a game 

Of spin the pauper

A POLE DANCER AND A GYMNAST

 

A pole dancer and a gymnast

Hard working and skilled too

The only difference between them

Seems to be the quantity of tattoo

LONDON 2012 # 2

 

Alas I was in error

There is no end to the terror

Alas I was sadly wrong

The Olympic whinge goes on

THE MCCARTNEY TRIALS 2012

 

I enjoyed the Jubilee concert

It was a wonderful night

I thought the opening ceremony

For the games was just right

 

But before any other major events

I want to know one thing

When is someone going to tell sir Paul?

That he can’t bloody sing