EURO TRASH

 

After another dismal round of European qualifiers

I think it’s time for a change

There are too many countries now

So, I propose something radical

Norway and Sweden should merge

To become Swedway or Norden

Spain and Portugal could become

Sportugal, Porpain or Spugal

Denmark and Finland would be Finmark

Belgium and Holland would become Belland

Germany and Austria would either be

Gerstria or the fourth reich

The Balkan states could reform as Yugoslavia

Greece and Turkey could be Treece or Gurkey

The USSR could regroup, for sporting reasons only of course

And the home nations could combine to become England

ARE YOU WEARING BOXING GLOVES?

Are you wearing boxing gloves?

Well as they say “if the cap fits”

I should say it’s not before time

And might curb your nocturnal habits 

TIGER, TIGER - SHORT YARDAGE

 

Tiger can drive a Golf ball

400 yards, effortlessly

But can only drive a car

Little more than three

POINTING THE FINGER - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

We were predictable, disorganized and poor

Our ineptitude was there for all to see

But as much as the players failed to turn up

And performed disappointingly

We were tactically bereft as well

Because Fabio Capello has no plan B

THE NATURAL

 

As a footballer I must confess

My skills locker is somewhat bereft

I am a naturally two footed player

But unfortunately, both of them are left

FOOTBALL

There are many differences

Between Rugby and football

Rules, number of players, ball shape

Goal posts, pitch markings, duration

And so on and so forth

It was once said that football

Is a gentleman’s game played by ruffian’s

And Rugby a ruffian’s game played by gentleman

Not quite as true as it used to be

But still not far off the mark

I’ve even heard it said

That Football is played by children

And Rugby by grownups

But for me the difference

Can best be defined in this way

A Footballer spends 90 minutes

Pretending to be injured

While a Rugby player spends 80 minutes

Pretending that he is not 

SINGING THE BLUES - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

They sing the homesick blues

“We miss our families”

These pampered prima donnas

Living in 5 star luxury

 

In Afghanistan they are home sick

They miss their families

The soldiers living in tents

Under fire from the enemy

 

They sing the we’re bored blues

“There’s like nothing to do”

Like a bunch of seven-year-olds

Not men of over 22

 

We are so bored with these players

And their incessant whining

Waited on hand and foot

Living it up on 5 star dinning

 

They sing the we’re tired blues

Like we have any sympathy

Only having to play once a week

Then after training they are free

 

We’re tired waiting for our heroes

When eleven strangers appear

Where are the premiership stars?

Who play weekly without fear

 

We sing the England blues

As each tournament comes around

When each and every time

Our dreams lie tattered on the ground 

GO FOURTH

 

Who will finish fourth?

Will it be Liverpool?

Who stake their claim?

Or will Aston Villa rule

Who will stand tall?

Will it be Man City?

That win the prize

Or will Spurs be sitting pretty

Who will go forth?

Into the Champions League

To dine at the top table

Who of these wannabes

 

Liverpool were last the champions

More than 20 years ago

Aston villa weren’t crowned

For 30 years or so

Its more than 40 years

Since Man City won

And Spurs were last the winners

In 1961

 

But the Champion’s League beckons

For these wannabes

These trophy less also ran’s

How can that be?

LOOSE MORALS #1

 

She was without her knickers at Twickers

There was a little thatch at Brans Hatch

There was a blushing fellow at flushing meadow

When she was legs akimbo in the limo

THE DOMESTIC GAME

 

The beautiful game

Is one of different hues

It can redden your face

And cause marital blues

Especially when you add

An excess of cheap booze

When victory is achieved

Sex often ensues

But it’s a different story

If he watches them lose

He’ll wear a football shirt

And she’ll wear a bruise

The bigger the match

The shorter his fuse

As he rants and raves

She shakes in her shoes

At the final whistle

Full of anger and booze

He wears red and white

She wears black and blue

INTERNATIONAL BAN - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

Goodluck Jonathon’s response to the failure

Of the Nigeria team in South Africa

Is to ban them from internationals

For the next two year which is radical

 

The English FA considered doing the same

For the good of the English game

But decided not to at an FA meeting

As no one would notice England not competing