BOXING DAY SPORT

 

Boxing Day is very popular

For Sport of all kinds in the UK 

But in our corner of the land

Trial Pursuit is order of the day

I LOVE THE OLYMPICS

 

I love the Olympics

And now it’s on home soil

It gives us an opportunity

As our competitors toil

 

To see them taking part

In events of this and that

Of seeing all the many sports

The team GB are so awful at

THE ESSEX GAMES

 

The Essex Games

Begin next year

For the Essex folk

Who will appear

 

In man made fibres

And gaudy splendour

To watch the best of them

In their endeavours

 

When Dave and Chelsea

Shazza and Baz

Will perform for us to watch

In such events as

 

Copping a strop

Vagazaling

The stiletto 100m

And the bling

 

Throwing a tantrum

The Alco pop crawl

The face dive

And the ungraceful fall

 

As yet the events list

Is relatively small

Unless you can suggest

Anything at all?

2012 - SUMMER OF SPORT

 

For the most splendid

Summer of sport

We should thank Lord Coe

And all the ambassadors

All the games makers

And the volunteers

We should thank the armed forces

For stepping into the breech

Technicians and officials

All the competitors

For performing to their best

And the spectators

Just for being there

And last but by no means least

For their foresight

All those years ago

In clearing the Olympic site

We say a big thank you

To the German Luftwaffe

WE WERE AT THE WEIGHTLIFTING

 

We were at the weightlifting

Watching the woman at work

My friend shouted “great snatch”

I said, “Isn’t this the clean and jerk?”

THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE

 

The best form of exercise

Is sex! Well that’s what they say

But five minutes at Christmas

Won’t take my beer gut away

LONDON 2012 # 1

 

After seven long years

Of blood sweat and tears

The games can commence

And that test of human endurance

Can come to an end

As we abandon that trend

That has made us all cringe

The seven-year Olympic whinge

SCRATCH GOLFER

 

I am a scratch golfer

And what that means my lad

Is I write down all my good scores

And scratch out the bad

PROUD FATHER OF THE PARALYMPICS

 

Professor Sir Ludwig "Poppa" Guttmann

 

How proud would Ludwig be?

If he could only see

The oak tree that has grown

From his tiny acorn sown

 

As a Jew he was no stranger

To prejudice and its danger

He had seen the Nazi storm

And they’re concept of the norm

He saw how disabilities lead

To the slaughter shed

So he fled to London

And his work was begun

 

How proud would Poppa be?

If he could only see

The fruits of his endeavours

To change the view forever

Of people written off

“Only cripples?” he would scoff

 

He was a tour de force

And single minded of course

Who didn’t see freak show exhibits

But challenges to the human spirit

 

How proud he would have been

If he could have only seen

When Paralympians, each and every one

Out shone the September sun

A POLE DANCER AND A GYMNAST

 

A pole dancer and a gymnast

Hard working and skilled too

The only difference between them

Seems to be the quantity of tattoo

BEACH VOLLEYBALL

 

I love the girl’s Beach Volleyball

I’m really very keen

It’s not like a proper beach though

For a start it’s just to clean

No cigarette ends or beer cans

And not a used condom to be seen