The Essex Games
Begin
next year
For
the Essex folk
Who
will appear
In
man made fibres
And
gaudy splendour
To
watch the best of them
In
their endeavours
When
Dave and Chelsea
Shazza
and Baz
Will
perform for us to watch
In
such events as
Copping
a strop
Vagazaling
The
stiletto 100m
And
the bling
Throwing
a tantrum
The
Alco pop crawl
The
face dive
And
the ungraceful fall
As
yet the events list
Is
relatively small
Unless
you can suggest
Anything
at all?
For the most splendid
Summer
of sport
We
should thank Lord Coe
And
all the ambassadors
All
the games makers
And
the volunteers
We
should thank the armed forces
For
stepping into the breech
Technicians
and officials
All
the competitors
For
performing to their best
And
the spectators
Just
for being there
And
last but by no means least
For
their foresight
All
those years ago
In
clearing the Olympic site
We
say a big thank you
To
the German Luftwaffe
We were at the weightlifting
Watching
the woman at work
My
friend shouted “great snatch”
I
said, “Isn’t this the clean and jerk?”
The best form of exercise
Is
sex! Well that’s what they say
But
five minutes at Christmas
Won’t
take my beer gut away
After seven long years
Of
blood sweat and tears
The
games can commence
And
that test of human endurance
Can
come to an end
As
we abandon that trend
That
has made us all cringe
The
seven-year Olympic whinge
I am a scratch golfer
And what
that means my lad
Is I write
down all my good scores
And scratch
out the bad
Professor Sir Ludwig "Poppa" Guttmann
How
proud would Ludwig be?
If
he could only see
The
oak tree that has grown
From
his tiny acorn sown
As
a Jew he was no stranger
To
prejudice and its danger
He
had seen the Nazi storm
And
they’re concept of the norm
He
saw how disabilities lead
To
the slaughter shed
So
he fled to London
And
his work was begun
How
proud would Poppa be?
If
he could only see
The
fruits of his endeavours
To
change the view forever
Of
people written off
“Only
cripples?” he would scoff
He
was a tour de force
And
single minded of course
Who
didn’t see freak show exhibits
But
challenges to the human spirit
How
proud he would have been
If
he could have only seen
When
Paralympians, each and every one
Out
shone the September sun
A pole dancer and a gymnast
Hard
working and skilled too
The
only difference between them
Seems
to be the quantity of tattoo
I love the girl’s Beach Volleyball
I’m
really very keen
It’s
not like a proper beach though
For
a start it’s just to clean
No
cigarette ends or beer cans
And
not a used condom to be seen
A man got on the bus
And sat
down next to Bimbette
He smiled
warmly at her
And briefly
their eyes met
Full of
golf balls
His bulging
front trouser pockets
Caught her
attention
Her eyes
almost left their sockets
He said
"its golf balls."
And Bimbette said “Oh”
Then
continued, "Does it hurt
As much as
tennis elbow?"
I like the sporting banter
Surrounding
sporting Rivalry
But there
is a fine line
Separating
it from tribalry
