WE WERE AT THE WEIGHTLIFTING

 

We were at the weightlifting

Watching the woman at work

My friend shouted “great snatch”

I said, “Isn’t this the clean and jerk?”

THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE

 

The best form of exercise

Is sex! Well that’s what they say

But five minutes at Christmas

Won’t take my beer gut away

LONDON 2012 # 1

 

After seven long years

Of blood sweat and tears

The games can commence

And that test of human endurance

Can come to an end

As we abandon that trend

That has made us all cringe

The seven-year Olympic whinge

SCRATCH GOLFER

 

I am a scratch golfer

And what that means my lad

Is I write down all my good scores

And scratch out the bad

PROUD FATHER OF THE PARALYMPICS

 

Professor Sir Ludwig "Poppa" Guttmann

 

How proud would Ludwig be?

If he could only see

The oak tree that has grown

From his tiny acorn sown

 

As a Jew he was no stranger

To prejudice and its danger

He had seen the Nazi storm

And they’re concept of the norm

He saw how disabilities lead

To the slaughter shed

So he fled to London

And his work was begun

 

How proud would Poppa be?

If he could only see

The fruits of his endeavours

To change the view forever

Of people written off

“Only cripples?” he would scoff

 

He was a tour de force

And single minded of course

Who didn’t see freak show exhibits

But challenges to the human spirit

 

How proud he would have been

If he could have only seen

When Paralympians, each and every one

Out shone the September sun

A POLE DANCER AND A GYMNAST

 

A pole dancer and a gymnast

Hard working and skilled too

The only difference between them

Seems to be the quantity of tattoo

BEACH VOLLEYBALL

 

I love the girl’s Beach Volleyball

I’m really very keen

It’s not like a proper beach though

For a start it’s just to clean

No cigarette ends or beer cans

And not a used condom to be seen

GOLF MODE

 

A man got on the bus

And sat down next to Bimbette

He smiled warmly at her

And briefly their eyes met

 

Full of golf balls

His bulging front trouser pockets

Caught her attention

Her eyes almost left their sockets

 

He said "its golf balls."
And Bimbette said “Oh”

Then continued, "Does it hurt

As much as tennis elbow?"

 

I LIKE THE SPORTING BANTER

 

I like the sporting banter

Surrounding sporting Rivalry

But there is a fine line

Separating it from tribalry

ARE YOU WEARING OLYMPIC SUITS?

Are you wearing Olympic suits?

Well you’re looking very smart

You’re Essex lads aren’t you?

I bet you can’t wait for it to start

You will show to the world at large

That you have good hearts

When you’re lighting the torches

Show us you possess some smarts

For I hope there is more to you

When the 2012 Olympiad starts

Than dropping your tailored trousers

And lighting up your farts

THE TENNIS SWING

 

The dour Scot lost the first two sets

And the outcome looked a pretty safe bet

But the plucky Brit fought back to level

Only for the Scot to return in the final set