LONDON 2012 # 1

 

After seven long years

Of blood sweat and tears

The games can commence

And that test of human endurance

Can come to an end

As we abandon that trend

That has made us all cringe

The seven-year Olympic whinge

SCRATCH GOLFER

 

I am a scratch golfer

And what that means my lad

Is I write down all my good scores

And scratch out the bad

PROUD FATHER OF THE PARALYMPICS

 

Professor Sir Ludwig "Poppa" Guttmann

 

How proud would Ludwig be?

If he could only see

The oak tree that has grown

From his tiny acorn sown

 

As a Jew he was no stranger

To prejudice and its danger

He had seen the Nazi storm

And they’re concept of the norm

He saw how disabilities lead

To the slaughter shed

So he fled to London

And his work was begun

 

How proud would Poppa be?

If he could only see

The fruits of his endeavours

To change the view forever

Of people written off

“Only cripples?” he would scoff

 

He was a tour de force

And single minded of course

Who didn’t see freak show exhibits

But challenges to the human spirit

 

How proud he would have been

If he could have only seen

When Paralympians, each and every one

Out shone the September sun

A POLE DANCER AND A GYMNAST

 

A pole dancer and a gymnast

Hard working and skilled too

The only difference between them

Seems to be the quantity of tattoo

BEACH VOLLEYBALL

 

I love the girl’s Beach Volleyball

I’m really very keen

It’s not like a proper beach though

For a start it’s just to clean

No cigarette ends or beer cans

And not a used condom to be seen

GOLF MODE

 

A man got on the bus

And sat down next to Bimbette

He smiled warmly at her

And briefly their eyes met

 

Full of golf balls

His bulging front trouser pockets

Caught her attention

Her eyes almost left their sockets

 

He said "its golf balls."
And Bimbette said “Oh”

Then continued, "Does it hurt

As much as tennis elbow?"

 

I LIKE THE SPORTING BANTER

 

I like the sporting banter

Surrounding sporting Rivalry

But there is a fine line

Separating it from tribalry

ARE YOU WEARING OLYMPIC SUITS?

Are you wearing Olympic suits?

Well you’re looking very smart

You’re Essex lads aren’t you?

I bet you can’t wait for it to start

You will show to the world at large

That you have good hearts

When you’re lighting the torches

Show us you possess some smarts

For I hope there is more to you

When the 2012 Olympiad starts

Than dropping your tailored trousers

And lighting up your farts

THE TENNIS SWING

 

The dour Scot lost the first two sets

And the outcome looked a pretty safe bet

But the plucky Brit fought back to level

Only for the Scot to return in the final set

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS TWOS?

 

Are you wearing plus twos?

Well listen, here’s the bad news

It looks as though the plus twos

Have fallen out with your shoes

THE SEVENTIES

 

If the 60s was the decade of dreams

Then the 1970’s was the decade of nightmares

It was the decade when

The German hex over England began

As in the heat of Mexico, in 1970

They knocked us out of the World Cup,

And it all went downhill from there

The defeat to Germany

Was to be England’s last appearance

In the World Cup Finals for 12 years.

The following year saw Arsenal,

The team we all love to hate,

Do the League and cup double.

1972 saw me enter the work place

And I’ve been there ever since, but I’m not bitter.

1973 was a mixed year

Manchester United were relegated to division 2,

The Washington Redskins lost in the Superbowl

And a significant other entered my life.

1974 United won promotion as champions

But Liverpool won the FA Cup and they blossomed

Into a force that would dominate for years to come.

The following year Liverpool won the league title

In 1976 Southampton beat United in the cup final,

All the worse as my future father in law was a saint’s fan

The high point of the decade came in 77 when

United won the FA Cup, beating Liverpool 2-1

Normal service resumed for 1978

As I discovered there was more to girls

Than holding hands and stealing kisses.

And that they very definitely weren’t,

All sugar and spice and all thing nice

My significant other left me for an accountant,

Who supported Luton Town,

And to add insult onto injury was ginger

1979 United lost in the Cup Final to Arsenal

And so ended the decade of disappointments

When the only thing naffer than the music

Were the 70’s fashions

The decade that didn’t even have style

Or a decent musical accompaniment

The 70’s when dreams turned to nightmares