PLAYING A WOOD

For most of us weekend golfers

The only wood that is essential

To carry in your golf bag

Is a finely sharpened pencil 

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 290

Robin and Richard were two pretty men,

They laid in bed till the clock struck ten;

Then up starts Robin and looks at the sky:

"Oh, sod it Richard, the sun's very high!

Stop sniggering and pull on your knickers

We’re late for training at Twickers” 

RUNNING GENES

 

Scientists say there are now

Running Genes

But surely it would chafe

If you ran in Jeans

THE VICTORIANS

 

The Victorians

Invented a lot of sports

Or if not invented,

Encouraged their development

As a means of instilling, fair play

Teamwork and discipline

Into the next generation

As way of training the youth

For life in the wider world

I don’t know how

The Victorians would view

The sportsmen and women of today

Not favourably I suspect

INDUSTRIALISED SPORT

 

Sport was industrialised by the Soviet Union

To promote communism

And not the money hungry capitalist west

But it profited capitalism

I HAVE AN ANGEL ON MY DASHBOARD

 

I have an Angel on my dashboard

She’s my special lucky charm

I have an angel on my dashboard

Who’s keeping me from harm

AT THE ESSEX GAMES # 1

 

At the Essex Games

Beginning next year

For the Essex folk

Have hit a snag I fear

 

On health safety grounds

There will be no swimming

Because it has transpired

That the pool was brimming

With dirty brown water

When every girl and man

Had dived into the pool

Wearing too much fake tan

BE ENGLISH

 

Celebrate the victory

With your piers

Drown the woes of foes

In English beer

Sing loud the songs of triumph

Whisper low of near disasters

Be magnanimous in victory

Be humble in defeat

Be proud, be loud

Be English

MY PASTIME

 

My pastime is, that I like to Fish

I’d do it all the time if I got my wish

But my wife hates me doing it

And she wants me to stop doing it

I say to her it’s just my hobby  

She says its just plain nobby

I say potato she says potaeto

I say tomato she says tomaeto

I say it’s just an innocent pastime

She says next time should be the last time

I say it is about the quiet peace

She says it has to cease

I say it’s appreciating the stillness

She say it’s a mental illness

She says I need to get a life

I thing I just need a different wife

SEXLESS

 

Women body builders

Think they look fab

All muscular

And not an inch of flab

With feminine parts

Under triangular tabs

Unfortunately, you couldn’t

Sex them in a lab

ENGLAND COACH

 

Steve McLaren has said recently

He is looking forward apparently

To taking the England football team

To the next world cup, it would seem

This is only likely to happen in reality

If he’s the coach driver quite frankly