In 2002 England were in the east
Intending to serve up
a football feast
The ginger ninja’s
were in control
Butt and Scholes in
the midfield role
Campbell, Southgate
and Ferdinand at the back
Owen, Heskey, Fowler
and Vassel in attack
In goal David seaman
with his ponytail
Praise be to the
English hero’s hail
By example Beckham
driving on his team
In vein pursuit of the
world cup dream
In the end we just
weren’t good enough
Beaten by a lucky
Brazil goal to make it tough
Now I keep telling my wife
No matter what she may have thought
In no way shape or form
Can shopping be considered a sport
Every Saturday it’s the same old story
With are mates we
bathe in the reflected glory
As our heroes play the
beautiful game
We sing and cheer and
chant their names
They get at them early
doors in attack
A Drag back and he’s
skinned the fullback
What skill he’s left
the fullback for dead
The strikers there and
wants it on his head
He heads the ball but
no it’s hit the frame
The crowd all chant
the strikers name
Another attack, Pass
& move Give & go
The home teams putting
on a great show
The ball comes to the
striker as planned
But what a save it’s
in the keeper’s hands
Again, the ball comes
to Johnny on the spot
He shoots did it go
in? Was it a goal or not?
No goals and the last
minute, one more chance
The fullback is passed
like he’s in a trance
The balls in the
middle and shot against the bar
The striker has an
open goal he misses by far
We boo and jeer and
chant their names
The striker is pants
and it’s a funny old game
Living life in cartoons
A happy life in Looney
tunes
Incomprehensible
croons
Beneath silvery moons
Shooting at pink
balloons
With captain Ahab’s
harpoons
Spending Sunday
afternoons
Chatting with baboons
Playing cricket in the
dunes
With chipmunks and
raccoons
Eating out of date
prunes
With runsible spoons
What I want to know is why it is that
Now I have become one
of the old farts
And I’m finally
holding all the cards
Everyone else decides
to play darts
On the whole,
No pun intended,
It was a pleasant day
On the Golf course
The sun was warm
The wind was light
The golf was
A mixture of the
sublime
And the ridiculous
A day of ups and downs
As my scorecard
testified
But the par 4 15th
Was a different story
I had hit a crisp
drive
From the elevated tee
And away it flew
Straight down the
middle
As Bing once sang
It landed just short
of the dog leg
Kicked to the right
And rolled perfectly
round the turn
After such a shot
You feel ten feet tall
As you stride down the
fairway
And I felt every inch
of it
When I reached my ball
I found it sitting up
invitingly
And with an unhindered
path to the green
I had a birdie chance.
Slightly ahead and to
the right
A rather large Rabbit,
Was enjoying the
afternoon sun
Blissfully unaware of
what was to come
I selected my club
And addressed the ball
“Just hit it straight”
I told myself
I swung the club
towards the ball
In a perfect ark
But I must have lifted
my head
Because there was and
ugly contact
And the ball sliced
away
In the direction of
the Rabbit
Now had he just stayed
still
He would have lived
But alas at the sound
of the sliced contact
The Rabbit leapt
vertically in the air
Straight into the path
of the ball
And died instantly
Now looking back, I
could have claimed
That the Rabbit put me
off
But it didn’t really
If the ball had
followed its path
I would have been out
of bounds
So, the Rabbit
sacrificed himself
To save my par
Me and some friends
Fancied a game of
darts
I said, “Nearest the
bull
To see who starts”
Johnny went “Woof”
And I went “Baah”
Then Danny went “Moo”
You don’t need a parachute
To go skydiving
Unless you want to
make it
A regular thing
Great fun games for the English summer
They don’t have to be
expensive
Play new swear word
Scrabble
It’s a simple game not
for the pensive
All words must be in
common usage
And should be
genuinely offensive
In a brand new job and in a brand new town
A young man named George started working
A group of his fellow employees always met
For a round of golf every Saturday morning
After finding out that George was a golfer
He was asked if he could make the golf date
George replied that he would love to play
But that he might well be ten minutes late
On Saturday morning he was there at ten
He played right handed and won the play
Next week George says that he will be there
But he may be ten minutes late on the day
He shows up right on time and proceeded
To play golf left handed, and win the round
This continues for a fair number of weeks
He may be ten minutes late on the ground
But without fail always turns up on time
And then wins playing with either hand
The other players are getting fed up with this
And an explanation for this they all demand
"George, every Saturday you say you may be
Ten minutes late, but are never late to begin
“Then you play either right or left handed”
“And despite this” they said, “you always win?”
"I’m superstitious so every Saturday I wake up
I look over at my wife in the first morning light
If she sleeps on her left side, I play left-handed
If she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right"
They absorbed this information with disbelief
"Well," one of the men said “ tell us straight”
"What happens if she is laying on her back?"
George replies, "Then I‘m ten minutes late."
"A genius footballer” bloody cheek
He looks more like a circus freak
He's nothing more than a Latin cheat
Who's certainly had too much to eat
