SPORTY WIFE

 

Now I keep telling my wife

No matter what she may have thought

In no way shape or form

Can shopping be considered a sport

IT’S A FUNNY OLD GAME

 

Every Saturday it’s the same old story

With are mates we bathe in the reflected glory

As our heroes play the beautiful game

We sing and cheer and chant their names

They get at them early doors in attack

A Drag back and he’s skinned the fullback

What skill he’s left the fullback for dead

The strikers there and wants it on his head

He heads the ball but no it’s hit the frame

The crowd all chant the strikers name

Another attack, Pass & move Give & go

The home teams putting on a great show

The ball comes to the striker as planned 

But what a save it’s in the keeper’s hands

Again, the ball comes to Johnny on the spot

He shoots did it go in? Was it a goal or not?

No goals and the last minute, one more chance

The fullback is passed like he’s in a trance

The balls in the middle and shot against the bar

The striker has an open goal he misses by far

We boo and jeer and chant their names

The striker is pants and it’s a funny old game

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 1

 

Living life in cartoons

A happy life in Looney tunes

Incomprehensible croons

Beneath silvery moons

Shooting at pink balloons

With captain Ahab’s harpoons

Spending Sunday afternoons

Chatting with baboons

Playing cricket in the dunes

With chipmunks and raccoons

Eating out of date prunes

With runsible spoons

 

GAME OF LIFE

 

What I want to know is why it is that

Now I have become one of the old farts

And I’m finally holding all the cards

Everyone else decides to play darts

HARE COURSING

 

On the whole,

No pun intended,

It was a pleasant day

On the Golf course

The sun was warm

The wind was light

The golf was

A mixture of the sublime

And the ridiculous

A day of ups and downs

As my scorecard testified

But the par 4 15^th

Was a different story

I had hit a crisp drive

From the elevated tee

And away it flew

Straight down the middle

As Bing once sang

It landed just short of the dog leg

Kicked to the right

And rolled perfectly round the turn

After such a shot

You feel ten feet tall

As you stride down the fairway

And I felt every inch of it

When I reached my ball

I found it sitting up invitingly

And with an unhindered path to the green

I had a birdie chance.

Slightly ahead and to the right

A rather large Rabbit,

Was enjoying the afternoon sun

Blissfully unaware of what was to come

I selected my club

And addressed the ball

“Just hit it straight”

I told myself

I swung the club towards the ball

In a perfect ark

But I must have lifted my head

Because there was and ugly contact

And the ball sliced away

In the direction of the Rabbit

Now had he just stayed still

He would have lived

But alas at the sound of the sliced contact

The Rabbit leapt vertically in the air

Straight into the path of the ball

And died instantly

Now looking back, I could have claimed

That the Rabbit put me off

But it didn’t really

If the ball had followed its path

I would have been out of bounds

So, the Rabbit sacrificed himself

To save my par

A GAME OF ARRA’S

Me and some friends

Fancied a game of darts

I said, “Nearest the bull

To see who starts”

Johnny went “Woof”

And I went “Baah”

Then Danny went “Moo”

He was the closest by far

EXTREME SPORTS TIP # 1

 

You don’t need a parachute

To go skydiving

Unless you want to make it

A regular thing

SWEAR WORD SCRABBLE

 

Great fun games for the English summer

They don’t have to be expensive

Play new swear word Scrabble

It’s a simple game not for the pensive

All words must be in common usage

And should be genuinely offensive

TEN MINUTES LATE

 

In a brand new job and in a brand new town
A young man named George started working
A group of his fellow employees always met
For a round of golf every Saturday morning
After finding out that George was a golfer
He was asked if he could make the golf date
George replied that he would love to play
But that he might well be ten minutes late
On Saturday morning he was there at ten
He played right handed and won the play
Next week George says that he will be there
But he may be ten minutes late on the day
He shows up right on time and proceeded
To play golf left handed, and win the round
This continues for a fair number of weeks
He may be ten minutes late on the ground
But without fail always turns up on time
And then wins playing with either hand
The other players are getting fed up with this
And an explanation for this they all demand
"George, every Saturday you say you may be
Ten minutes late, but are never late to begin
“Then you play either right or left handed”
“And despite this” they said, “you always win?”
"I’m superstitious so every Saturday I wake up
I look over at my wife in the first morning light
If she sleeps on her left side, I play left-handed
If she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right"
They absorbed this information with disbelief
"Well," one of the men said “ tell us straight”
"What happens if she is laying on her back?"
George replies, "Then I‘m ten minutes late."

MARADONNA

 

"A genius footballer” bloody cheek

He looks more like a circus freak

He's nothing more than a Latin cheat

Who's certainly had too much to eat

LOCAL INQUIRY

 

I rang up my local swimming baths

Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

The reply he received was quite rum

'It depends where you're calling from.'"