SWEAR WORD SCRABBLE

 

Great fun games for the English summer

They don’t have to be expensive

Play new swear word Scrabble

It’s a simple game not for the pensive

All words must be in common usage

And should be genuinely offensive

TEN MINUTES LATE

 

In a brand new job and in a brand new town
A young man named George started working
A group of his fellow employees always met
For a round of golf every Saturday morning
After finding out that George was a golfer
He was asked if he could make the golf date
George replied that he would love to play
But that he might well be ten minutes late
On Saturday morning he was there at ten
He played right handed and won the play
Next week George says that he will be there
But he may be ten minutes late on the day
He shows up right on time and proceeded
To play golf left handed, and win the round
This continues for a fair number of weeks
He may be ten minutes late on the ground
But without fail always turns up on time
And then wins playing with either hand
The other players are getting fed up with this
And an explanation for this they all demand
"George, every Saturday you say you may be
Ten minutes late, but are never late to begin
“Then you play either right or left handed”
“And despite this” they said, “you always win?”
"I’m superstitious so every Saturday I wake up
I look over at my wife in the first morning light
If she sleeps on her left side, I play left-handed
If she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right"
They absorbed this information with disbelief
"Well," one of the men said “ tell us straight”
"What happens if she is laying on her back?"
George replies, "Then I‘m ten minutes late."

MARADONNA

 

"A genius footballer” bloody cheek

He looks more like a circus freak

He's nothing more than a Latin cheat

Who's certainly had too much to eat

LOCAL INQUIRY

 

I rang up my local swimming baths

Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

The reply he received was quite rum

'It depends where you're calling from.'"

JOBS FOR THE BOYS

 

Horacio Elizondo is ref for the final

His obvious Reward

For a flawless performance

Helping Portugal go forward

SENIOR GOLFING MOMENT

I was in the golf shop browsing

The different types of golf balls

I had been using the women’s type

And wasn’t getting on with them at all

I was approached by an assistant

Who was dark handsome and tall

He asked if he could help me.

And without even thinking at all

I looked at him and said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

MAN A BALLOON

 

A hot air balloon is male,

Because, to get it to go anywhere

You have to light a fire under it,

And of course it’s full of hot air.

ZZ TOP

 

Zidane in Germany in 2006

Was given the golden ball

Voted the tournaments best player

The most outstanding of them all

A great reward for his foul conduct

Viciously head butting a rival

And before a global audience

Sent off in the world cup final

Was this the act of a great player?

Or of a thug that the world abhors

Was his behavior out of character?

Or has he now shown his true colors

FOREIGN JOHNNY’S ON THE SPOT

 

When they show their skills, they earn our respect

After scoring they celebrate and genuflect

They have great skill which we respect

But their cheating is what we’ve come to expect

PLAYING AROUND

 

She was my little sex kitten

Lively and playful

Very kittenish indeed

I had long hankered after her

With her Reassuring curvaceousness

And the feeling was apparently mutual.

She had a liking for the open air

And a penchant for the dangerous

So, while her husband played 18 holes

We played around

And made love in the long grass

Beside the eighteenth green

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TEA BAG

 

The difference between a tea bag

And Woking Football Club

Is a simple one to discover

A tea bag stays longer in the cup