LOCAL INQUIRY

 

I rang up my local swimming baths

Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

The reply he received was quite rum

'It depends where you're calling from.'"

JOBS FOR THE BOYS

 

Horacio Elizondo is ref for the final

His obvious Reward

For a flawless performance

Helping Portugal go forward

SENIOR GOLFING MOMENT

I was in the golf shop browsing

The different types of golf balls

I had been using the women’s type

And wasn’t getting on with them at all

I was approached by an assistant

Who was dark handsome and tall

He asked if he could help me.

And without even thinking at all

I looked at him and said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

MAN A BALLOON

 

A hot air balloon is male,

Because, to get it to go anywhere

You have to light a fire under it,

And of course it’s full of hot air.

ZZ TOP

 

Zidane in Germany in 2006

Was given the golden ball

Voted the tournaments best player

The most outstanding of them all

A great reward for his foul conduct

Viciously head butting a rival

And before a global audience

Sent off in the world cup final

Was this the act of a great player?

Or of a thug that the world abhors

Was his behavior out of character?

Or has he now shown his true colors

FOREIGN JOHNNY’S ON THE SPOT

 

When they show their skills, they earn our respect

After scoring they celebrate and genuflect

They have great skill which we respect

But their cheating is what we’ve come to expect

PLAYING AROUND

 

She was my little sex kitten

Lively and playful

Very kittenish indeed

I had long hankered after her

With her Reassuring curvaceousness

And the feeling was apparently mutual.

She had a liking for the open air

And a penchant for the dangerous

So, while her husband played 18 holes

We played around

And made love in the long grass

Beside the eighteenth green

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TEA BAG

 

The difference between a tea bag

And Woking Football Club

Is a simple one to discover

A tea bag stays longer in the cup

MARATHON MAN

 

I used to be a Marathon man

A Marathon man was I

Then they renamed them Snickers

I don’t know why

LET’S SPLIT

 

I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits

It’s an ambition since my earliest days

The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”

I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

But by the third week

It started to get hard

As that’s when I started trying

To put on the leotard