MY DOG ATE ALL THE SCRABBLE TILES

 

My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles

When they were spilt on the mat

And for days he kept leaving

Little messages around the flat

Uncanny Tales – (020) Unsuitable Viewing at the Lido

 

When I was growing up in the sixties we lived in North London and one of the things I really loved to do was to go swimming and we were quite well fixed for pools in the area and I would swim until the chlorinated water left my eyes red and sore.

But of all the pools I swam in, the one I loved to swim in most of all was the Durnsford Road Lido, especially during the summer months.

It was only sixpence to get in and for that paltry sum you could stay all day long, which of course I did and I would spend as many days of the holidays there as I could, playing with friends and watching Mad Jack stunt diving off the high platform.

When I first started to go there it was just a joy to spend all the time in the sparkling water.

As I got older, I would come to appreciate the many delicacies on which to feast the eyes upon, delicacies invisible to the eye of the eleven-year-old boy who first visited the pool.

 

On one particular visit after I’d got the maximum value from my sixpence and enjoyed a full day in the pool, I was getting changed and I caught sight of something quite disturbing as an old man stepped out of the shower.

Though when I say he was an old man I should point out that from the perspective of a teenage boy everyone over twenty was old.

But just as he passed me he lowered his towel, though not in a pervy way, and he revealed the biggest scrotum I had ever seen, before or since, not that I had seen a lot of scrota and those I had seen belonged to my peer group so were somewhat pink and hairless.

But not only was this old man’s scrotum huge it was also purple, in fact it looked like a large purple boxing glove.

I was taken aback by the extraordinary spectacle but with my limited knowledge of old men’s genitalia I was left to conclude that I was destined to acquire a large purple ball bag of my own one day, and as I stood there holding my speedos in front of my shrivelled specimen I thought

“If I’m going to get one like that, then I’m definitely going to need bigger trunks”

 

DO LAZY PEOPLE EXERCISE

 

Do lazy people exercise?

I happen to think probably not

But if they did something

It would be a Diddly-squat

TODAY I ADDED INSULT ONTO INJURY

 

Today I added insult onto injury

To a recovering paragliding enthusiast

As they lay motionless in Casualty

When I wrote something rude on his cast

GETTING ON # 8

 

When they finally reach old age

Men chase golf balls

Because they’re too old to chase

Anything else at all

YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE

 

You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville

Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player

Now he would also appear to be

Second best as a football commentator

If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest

He would finish second to his brother

BEER AND FOOTBALL

 

Beer and football are

As exciting for me

As handbags and shoes

Are for you, really

A YOUNG WOMAN GOLFER

 

A young woman golfer had just started

Her round, when she was stung by a Bee,

It was so painful she abandoned the game

And returned to the clubhouse for sympathy

Her golf pro saw her as she returned

And wondered why she was back so early

So he went to ask her what was wrong

And she told him “'I was stung by a Bee”

 

“Oh dear, that’s awful” he said “Where?”

He was sympathetic right from the start

“Between the first and second hole”

She replied wincing at the stings smart.

He nodded knowingly and said

“Then your feet were too far apart”

ARE YOU WEARING FOOTBALL BOOTS?

 

Are you wearing football boots?

Well I can see you’re ready to play

I have just one small criticism

Namely we’re playing Golf today

A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED

 

A Spanish golfer was stabbed

Not multiple wounds, just the one

But nobody knew just exactly

Who it was made a hole in Juan

ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS

 

One of the teams at the Olympics

Made a clean sweep good and proper

Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze

As well as all the lead and copper