MY BROTHER IS SO PESSIMISTIC

 

My brother is so pessimistic,

No matter what his circumstances

If there was a pessimism Olympics

He wouldn't fancy his chances

GUTTERBALL

 

It is inevitable I suppose

Even though they deserve better

That old bowling balls

Will end up in the gutter

GREAT BRITAIN WERE INVITED

 

Great Britain were invited

To the Belgium town of Mons

For the sun tanning Olympics

And the whole team got Bronze

GIVE ME GOLF CLUBS

 

Give me Golf clubs, fresh air

And a partner beautiful and fair

And to be honest you can keep

The Golf clubs and the fresh air

 

A paraphrasing of one of the great Jack Benny’s gags

IRONIC ADVERTISING

 

I fell about laughing when I saw Serena

In an ironic Advertisement for Tempur

As given her recent display of stress

It should have been a “bad Tempur” mattress

A FRISBEE

 

I was wondering,

Why does a Frisbee

Appeared larger and larger

Then it hit me

GOLF IS A HARD GAME TO FATHOM

Golf is a hard game to fathom.

One day you will play,

And slice it and shank it,

Hit every trap along the way

And miss every green,

But then on the next day

You go out and for no reason

At all, you really can’t play 

DID YOU KNOW THE REASON WHY

 

Did you know the reason why

Unattached women go to Wimbledon

It’s because they were told

There was a men's singles event on

BEING AN ENGLAND SUPPORTER

 

Being an England supporter

At a World Cup or Euro’s melee

Is likened to over-optimistic parents

Of the fat kid on sports day

TIME IS UP

 

To my chest my hands I clasp

I deeply breathe, I wheeze and gasp

My temples throb, my mouth is dry

My heart beats fast, I’m going to die

My voice has gone, my throat is sore

My hands both shake, I can take no more

I lay my head, upon my knee

Now blow the whistle Referee

THE FIRST TIME I MET MY WIFE

 

The first time I met my wife,

I didn’t know if it was love

But I knew she was a keeper

As she wore massive gloves