GOLF IS LIKE MARRIAGE

 

Golf is like marriage, firstly

Both are very costly

And they won't work if you take

Yourself too seriously

OLYMPIC CONDOMS

 

“My Olympic condoms have arrived”

A husband told his wife excitedly

“I think I’ll wear gold tonight” he said

And her shoulder’s slumped resignedly

“I would rather you wore silver and came

Second for a change” she replied sweetly

THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 7

 

You shouldn't go through life

With a catcher’s mitt on each hand

You need to be able to throw

Something back on demand

THE FIRST TIME I TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND HOME

 

The first time I took my girlfriend home

So that my mum could meet her

She wore a big green shirt and huge gloves

And my mum said she was a keeper

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE NATURAL (1984)

“The Natural” is a sports drama, based on the novel by Bernard Malamud and Directed by Barry Levinson.

The story is about an unknown middle-aged batter named Roy Hobbs (Robert Redford) with a mysterious past, who appears out of nowhere to join a struggling team as a rookie in the 1930’s, much to the disgust of coach Pop Fisher (Wilford Brimley) who thinks the teams owner The Judge (Robert Prosky) is deliberately trying to scupper the team, so he refuses to play Hobbs on principle.

But he does have an ally in assistant coach Red Blow (Richard Farnsworth) and eventually Pop relents and Hobbs takes a losing baseball team to the top of the league with the aid of a bat cut from a lightning struck tree.

But it soon becomes apparent that it’s more important to the Judge that the team fail and when bribes don’t work, femme fatal Memo Paris (Kim Basinger) tries to distract him, and it appears to be working until his childhood sweetheart Iris Gaines (Glenn Close) appears one day in the stands and gets him back on track.

It takes reporter Max Mercy (Robert Duvall) to uncover the story of Roy Hobbs mysterious past as he begins to bask in the fame he should have had earlier in his life when, as a rising pitcher, he was inexplicably shot by a young woman, Harriet Bird (Barbara Hershey) in a hotel room.

 

SHOT IN THE BACK - SIDE

 

It was in the buttock apparently
That a footballer has been shot
Although from the papers you may
Believe it or believe it not
As this was the way of reporting
The event that they preferred
“Adjacent to the players tunnel
An explosive incident occurred”

THE PRIDE OF ENGLAND

 

Everyone full of national pride
The atmosphere was electrified
St George’s cross’s everywhere
As our Englishness we’d share
They didn’t win the cup out east
While serving up a football feast
They won new friends out there
And hearts of people everywhere
Bringing new pride to the nation
And deserving of our admiration

INTERNATIONAL BAN - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

Goodluck Jonathon’s response to the failure

Of the Nigeria team in South Africa

Is to ban them from internationals

For the next two year which is radical

 

The English FA considered doing the same

For the good of the English game

But decided not to at an FA meeting

As no one would notice England not competing

TOP DOGS

 

Korea have had a great world cup

They’ve beaten Italy with a golden goal

How will they celebrate the victory?

They’ll be eating dog tonight in Seoul

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

We were rubbish in South Africa

But we should stop the whining

For no matter how black the cloud

There is always a silver lining

 

We were rubbish in South Africa

And we get no second chance

But at least we can safely say

That we were not as bad as France

A DISAPPOINTING DRAW, ENGLAND 0, ALGERIA 0, - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

“We are disappointed with the draw

Against this piss poor team today”

“We consider it two points dropped”

Said a spokesman of the Algerian FA