HIT FOR SIX

 

A man went to see Doctor Crum

“I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum.”

“How's that?”

“Don't you start”

LOCAL INQUIRY

 

I rang up my local swimming baths

Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

The reply he received was quite rum

'It depends where you're calling from.'

NEW ANGLES

 

Angling is an ancient pastime
And thousands sit with permit paid
Some stand on the riverbank
Some enter the water and wade
Long held traditions are kept
Yet new innovations are made
As modern anglers try to improve
With every kind of newfangled aid
In wartime when my father was young
And when not fighting or on parade
Was forced as he had no rod and line
To go fishing with a hand grenade

NICE ONE HENRY

 

FIFA are on a mission
Racism in the game they want to defeat
An admirable ambition indeed
But first they need to stamp out cheats
Its spread from normal quarters
To Thierry Henry who to his disgrace
After a shoulder to the chest
Went down holding his face

WINGLESS WONDERS

 

 

Wingless wonders they were named
As world cup winners they are famed
Gordon Banks, played in the goal
For Bobby Moore, the captain’s role
Cohen and Wilson at the back
The Charlton brothers, Bob and Jack
Martin Peters and Alan Ball
Nobby Stiles stood ten feet tall
Roger Hunt scores when he can
And Geoff Hurst the hat trick man
Sir Alf Ramsey teamed them up
And in 66 they won the cup

WINE DOWN UNDER

Don’t buy any Australian wine’s this year

Because since they lost in the World Cup I fear

When we knocked them off their ivory tower

All of their grapes have suddenly gone sour 

WUMMAGIN IN THE UNDERGROWF

 

My dad always used to say that

Rummaging in the garden after all

When overgrown and wild would

Always turn up an old tennis ball

NICE ONE HENRY # 2

 

 

FIFA are on a mission
Disrespect for refs they want to defeat
An admirable ambition indeed
But first they need to stamp out cheats
Its spread from normal quarters
To Thierry Henry who to his ignominy
handled the ball to keep it in play

A offence done quite deliberately

Which was compounded by his lie,

That it happened accidentally

ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1

 

For Henman fans Andy Murray

Doesn’t do it for them

And for his on court aggression

They criticize him

But if you remove his aggression

You’re left with Tim

SINGING THE BLUES - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

They sing the homesick blues

“We miss our families”

These pampered prima donnas

Living in 5 star luxury

 

In Afghanistan they are home sick

They miss their families

The soldiers living in tents

Under fire from the enemy

 

They sing the “we’re bored blues”

“There‘s, like nothing to do”

Like a bunch of seven year olds

Not men of over 22

 

We are so bored with these players

And their incessant whining

Waited on hand and foot

Living it up on 5 star dinning

 

They sing the “we’re bored blues”

Like we have any sympathy

Only having to play once a week

Then after training they are free

 

We’re tired waiting for our heroes

When eleven strangers appear

Where are the premiership stars?

Who play weekly without fear

 

We sing the England blues

As each tournament comes around

When each and every time

Our dreams lie tattered on the ground

 

FIFA # 2

 

Guardians of the game,

Well respected,

Famed for their integrity

Their stewardship and

Honest endeavour

 

On the other hand

 

Few

In

Football

Agree