ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1

 

For Henman fans Andy Murray

Doesn’t do it for them

And for his on court aggression

They criticize him

But if you remove his aggression

You’re left with Tim

SINGING THE BLUES - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

They sing the homesick blues

“We miss our families”

These pampered prima donnas

Living in 5 star luxury

 

In Afghanistan they are home sick

They miss their families

The soldiers living in tents

Under fire from the enemy

 

They sing the “we’re bored blues”

“There‘s, like nothing to do”

Like a bunch of seven year olds

Not men of over 22

 

We are so bored with these players

And their incessant whining

Waited on hand and foot

Living it up on 5 star dinning

 

They sing the “we’re bored blues”

Like we have any sympathy

Only having to play once a week

Then after training they are free

 

We’re tired waiting for our heroes

When eleven strangers appear

Where are the premiership stars?

Who play weekly without fear

 

We sing the England blues

As each tournament comes around

When each and every time

Our dreams lie tattered on the ground

 

FIFA # 2

 

Guardians of the game,

Well respected,

Famed for their integrity

Their stewardship and

Honest endeavour

 

On the other hand

 

Few

In

Football

Agree

ACED

 

My uncle sadly died at Wimbledon

He was a killed by a tennis ball

I wasn’t too sad at the funeral

It was a lovely service after all

HOWARDS END - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

Well England made it to the final

Though alas only the refereeing chap

But like the England team before him

Howard Webb was really crap

THE BEST IN THE WORLD

 

I won’t hear a word against our tennis players

It’s true that they certainly have their detractors

But I have always thought British players

Make truly world-class tennis commentators

ALADIN’S WISH

 

Aladin rubbed his lamp

And a Genie did appear

You can have one wish

But only one he made clear

 

“I want to live forever”

Aladin told the genie.
“I’m sorry” Came the reply

“You can’t wish for immortality”

 

“Living forever

Is against the regulations

You must think again

And revise your expectation”

 

“Do you have your wish?”

Aladin answered “Yup”

“I want to live to see

England win the world cup”

THE TENNIS SWING

 

The dour Scot lost the first two sets

And the outcome looked a pretty safe bet

But the plucky Brit fought back to level

Only for the Scot to return in the final set

EURO TRASH

 

After another dismal round of European qualifiers

I think it’s time for a change

There are too many countries now

So, I propose something radical

Norway and Sweden should merge

To become Swedway or Norden

Spain and Portugal could become

Sportugal, Porpain or Spugal

Denmark and Finland would be Finmark

Belgium and Holland would become Belland

Germany and Austria would either be

Gerstria or the fourth Reich

The Balkan states could reform as Yugoslavia

Greece and Turkey could be Treece or Gurkey

The USSR could regroup, for sporting reasons only of course

And the home nations could combine to become England

GOLF MODE

 

A man got on the bus

And sat down next to Bimbette

He smiled warmly at her

And briefly their eyes met

 

Full of Golf balls

His bulging front trouser pockets

Caught her attention

Her eyes almost left their sockets

 

He said, “its Golf balls.”
And Bimbette said “Oh”

Then continued, “Does it hurt

As much as Tennis elbow?”

ARE YOU WEARING SNOWSHOES?

 

Are you wearing snowshoes?

Blimey those things cost a packet

Hang on after closer inspection

Your snowshoe is a tennis racket