ACED

 

My uncle sadly died at Wimbledon

He was a killed by a tennis ball

I wasn’t too sad at the funeral

It was a lovely service after all

HOWARDS END - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

Well England made it to the final

Though alas only the refereeing chap

But like the England team before him

Howard Webb was really crap

THE BEST IN THE WORLD

 

I won’t hear a word against our tennis players

It’s true that they certainly have their detractors

But I have always thought British players

Make truly world-class tennis commentators

ALADIN’S WISH

 

Aladin rubbed his lamp

And a Genie did appear

You can have one wish

But only one he made clear

 

“I want to live forever”

Aladin told the genie.
“I’m sorry” Came the reply

“You can’t wish for immortality”

 

“Living forever

Is against the regulations

You must think again

And revise your expectation”

 

“Do you have your wish?”

Aladin answered “Yup”

“I want to live to see

England win the world cup”

THE TENNIS SWING

 

The dour Scot lost the first two sets

And the outcome looked a pretty safe bet

But the plucky Brit fought back to level

Only for the Scot to return in the final set

EURO TRASH

 

After another dismal round of European qualifiers

I think it’s time for a change

There are too many countries now

So, I propose something radical

Norway and Sweden should merge

To become Swedway or Norden

Spain and Portugal could become

Sportugal, Porpain or Spugal

Denmark and Finland would be Finmark

Belgium and Holland would become Belland

Germany and Austria would either be

Gerstria or the fourth Reich

The Balkan states could reform as Yugoslavia

Greece and Turkey could be Treece or Gurkey

The USSR could regroup, for sporting reasons only of course

And the home nations could combine to become England

GOLF MODE

 

A man got on the bus

And sat down next to Bimbette

He smiled warmly at her

And briefly their eyes met

 

Full of Golf balls

His bulging front trouser pockets

Caught her attention

Her eyes almost left their sockets

 

He said, “its Golf balls.”
And Bimbette said “Oh”

Then continued, “Does it hurt

As much as Tennis elbow?”

ARE YOU WEARING SNOWSHOES?

 

Are you wearing snowshoes?

Blimey those things cost a packet

Hang on after closer inspection

Your snowshoe is a tennis racket

ENGLISH DEFENDERS LEAGUE

 

Goals scored in the premiership

Reached record numbers on Saturday

But that’s what happens when you hold

An EDL rally on the same day

NO MORE JUMPERS FOR GOAL POSTS

 

We didn’t think that life

Could get any better

We were young

Happy and content

Kicking footballs

Building carts

Climbing trees

Fishing in the pond

Swimming in the pool

Then they came along

Distracting us

With their undulations

Their cheap perfume

That seemed so exotic

Walking with their funny wiggles

Laughing with their girlish giggles

And the boyhood fun was over

No more jumpers for goal posts

No more war games in the woods

We still played in the woods

But then it was holding hands

Hugging and snogging

And playing with fun bumps

But no more jumpers for goal posts

NEVER LOSE YOUR HEART TO A TENNIS PLAYER

Never lose your heart to a tennis player

And that goes for women and men

But it’s not that they are bad people

It’s just that love means nothing to them