21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 290

 

Robin and Richard were two pretty men,

They laid in bed till the clock struck ten;

Then up starts Robin and looks at the sky:

"Oh, sod it Richard, the sun's very high!

Stop sniggering and pull on your knickers

We’re late for training at Twickers”

RAMBLING

I met a guy from the ramblers today

I think his name was John

He was a harmless bloke I suppose

But he just went on and on

WYNNE OR NO

 

Do you know who invented the crossword?

I can't remember his name for the life of me

It’s on the tip of my tongue just out of reach

It’s W something N something E

FOOTBALL

 

There are many differences

Between Rugby and football

Rules, number of players, ball shape

Goal posts, pitch markings, duration

And so on and so forth

It was once said that football

Is a gentleman’s game played by ruffian’s

And Rugby a ruffian’s game played by gentleman

Not quite as true as it used to be

But still not far off the mark

I’ve even heard it said

That Football is played by children

And Rugby by grownups

But for me the difference

Can best be defined in this way

A Footballer spends 90 minutes

Pretending to be injured

While a Rugby player spends 80 minutes

Pretending that he is not

MUMMY’S BOYS

 

I long since came to terms

Since John Barnes set the trend

With footballers wearing gloves

To keep their little pandies warm

I am less understanding

Of players taking to the field

With tights beneath their shorts

But it seems I must accept it

But the line has to be drawn somewhere

And that line was crossed

This very weekend

I was shocked beyond belief

To see a player, take to the field of play

Wearing a muffler about his neck

ALL IN THE GAME

 

Shaven headed barbarians

And tattooed savages

Strut with preening peacocks

In performing their pantomime

While their vengeful tribes

With banners held high

Chant their rhythmic cacophony

Faces distorted with hate

 

On the field of honour

They grapple and kick

They push and pull

They dive and roll

Assault and assail

Connive and cheat

 

In unforgiving onslaughts

They perform for baying hordes

A vile and brutal spectacle

Always referred to

As the beautiful game

HUNTIN’ SHOOTIN’ AND TIPPIN’

There was a craze not long ago

A kind of country pursuit

A sport known as cow tipping

Perpetrated by callow youth

  

Now due to the recession

There is a new craze to report

A rural epidemic, fly tipping

It’s popular but not much of a sport

THE NATURAL

 

As a footballer I must confess

My skills locker is somewhat bereft

I am a naturally two footed player

But unfortunately, both of them are left

WHO KILLED THE PINBALL WIZARD?

The Pinball wizard is dead

That deaf dumb and blind kid

Was shot dead by a stranger

It was such a senseless murder

IT’S NOT OVER

We left the stadium after awhile

Exiting though the open turnstile

To find, inappropriately clad in licra

And standing on top of a Micra,

A very fat woman singing opera

From on top of that poor little car

When I heard a laugh from my lad

Who then said “It’s all over then Dad”

GO FISH AGAIN

 

The worst day

You spend fishing

Is better than

Your best day working