WHO KILLED THE PINBALL WIZARD?

The Pinball wizard is dead

That deaf dumb and blind kid

Was shot dead by a stranger

It was such a senseless murder

IT’S NOT OVER

We left the stadium after awhile

Exiting though the open turnstile

To find, inappropriately clad in licra

And standing on top of a Micra,

A very fat woman singing opera

From on top of that poor little car

When I heard a laugh from my lad

Who then said “It’s all over then Dad”

GO FISH AGAIN

 

The worst day

You spend fishing

Is better than

Your best day working

SUBTLE DIFFERENCE

 

There is a subtle difference

Between “Put” and “Putt”

In meaning as well as spelling

I will attempt to elucidate

Their subtle difference

Clearly in the telling

 

“Put” means to place something

Where you ultimately want it

“Putt” is an unrealistic attempt

To do the same with the ball you hit

THE CHARACTER OF GOLF

 

The game of Golf is character building

In the view of certain people

Others are a little more grounded

And would describe it as a perpetual

Series of unmitigated disasters

Punctuated by an occasional miracle

THE GRAND NATIONAL

 

Jockeys in bright coloured racing silk

Representing owners of every ilk

The horses fidget with ears pricked

Punter’s shout for the horse they picked

Ready for the off the tension mounts

A lot of money bet on turf accounts

They’re at the start now all in a line

The starter waits till all is fine

And they’re off, and the horses surge

Moving en mass like a cavalry charge

 

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey
Doing battle on Grand National day
Hooves thunder hard past the rail
Who will win the race who will prevail

 

On they go riding at a steady rate

Five fences in the opening straight

Then the big one Becher’s Brook

Some don’t fancy it when they take a look

Then the Foinavon fence before Canal Turn

Valentines is then the next big concern

Three more fences and the field is thinning

Across the Melling Road and turning

Over two more fences before the Chair

Then the water jump, and halfway there

 

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey
Doing battle on Grand National day
Hooves thunder hard past the rail
Who will win the race who will prevail

 

The crowd cheers loudly those who remain

As the magnificent beasts go around again

Along the straight five fences once more

Then Becher’s Brook counts its score

Beneath them the ground seems to quake

The leaders leaving fallers in their wake

Then the Foinavon fence before Canal Turn

Valentines is once again the big concern

Three more fences and the field is thinning

Across the Melling Road and turning

 

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey
Doing battle on Grand National day
Hooves thunder hard past the rail
Who will win the race who will prevail

 

Two more fences and the volume gets loud

Almost home to the delight of the crowd

Jump the last fence and land ahead

Keep your wits about you, keep your head

The finishing straight the end in sight

Across the finish line to the crowds delight

For the winner at the end of the road

The great sporting accolade is bestowed

A spectacle on an afternoon well spent

For those who witness the great event

SEXLESS

 

Women body builders
Think they look fab
All muscular
And not an inch of flab
With feminine parts
Under triangular tabs
Unfortunately you couldn’t
Sex them in a lab

UP AND OVER

 

Nudists whilst staying in the camp

Must never, even if tempted

When playing games of leapfrog

Fail to complete all jumps attempted

MARADONNA

“A genius footballer” bloody cheek

He looks more like a circus freak

He’s nothing more than a Latin cheat

Who’s certainly had too much to eat

MACBETH ON THE OCHEY

Single, double, bull and treble  

Straight in, and finish on a double

First off ninety-eight

In the contest a lead we take     

One hundred and eighty next                    

Down to earth then with twenty-six

Better next throw back on track

Seventy-two and seventy-six

Forty-nine to go nineteen first

Then a miss, then in the double

HAND OF GOD

 

It was in Mexico in nineteen eighty-six

When English hearts sank to the floor

When England were to meet Argentina

In the world cup quarterfinal draw

 

On that infamous night it occurred

The event that made the spectators roar

Diego Maradonna their great player

Had to use his hand to help them score

 

The English players protested in vain

That Maradonna had used his hand

Amazingly the referee gave the goal

Something that I still don’t understand

 

There was much discussion with the pundits

The video replay confirmed the cheating

Ironically his second goal was brilliant

And sealed the result of our defeating

 

Maradonna used a hand to help him score

But Diego claimed it was the hand of god

Argentina believes he is a national hero

The English all know he’s a cheating sod