ANXIOUS CRICKET

 

I went to my doctor today with a rash

While suffering acute anxiety, because

Of a plan my Cricket team were hatching

I suspected they were about to drop me

Because my nickname was butterfingers

Its ok though as what I've got isn’t catching

I’M A REALLY KEEN CRICKET FAN AND

 

I’m a really keen cricket fan and

This summer I’ve watched it everyday

But now it’s over and I have discovered

That my wife left me back in May

MOURINHO OUT

 

Mourinho took control of the United Bus

However he repeatedly parked the Bus 

But then he threw players under the Bus

So now it’s time for him to catch a Bus

BEING AN ENGLAND SUPPORTER

 

Being an England supporter

At a World Cup or Euro’s melee

Is likened to over-optimistic parents

Of the fat kid on sports day

GIVE ME GOLF CLUBS

 

Give me Golf clubs, fresh air

And partner beautiful and fair

And to be honest you can keep

The Golf clubs and the fresh air

 

A paraphrasing of one of the great Jack Benny’s gags

GOLFING EXPECTATIONS

 

I was retired and played quite a lot of Golf

I teed off hoping for a good round ahead

And had the intention of shooting my age,

But unfortunately I shot my weight instead

 

A paraphrasing of one of the great Bob Hope’s gags

MIDDLE AGED EXERCISE

 

I have found in middle age

When I’m exercising

The best one for my core

Seems to be keeping a fart in

WHAT IS YOUR EXCERSISE REGIME?

 

“What is your exercise regime?”

I was asked by my new personal trainer

I said if I already had a regime

I wouldn’t need a personal trainer

A CARICATURE OF A RESPONSE

 

To exaggerate characteristics

For humorous effect is how

A Caricature is intended

It’s ironic the reaction to it

By Rowling and the like

Has also been exaggerated 

MASSIVE OVEREACTION

 

Portraying Serena as an angry black woman

In the Herald Sun wasn’t racist in anyway

As she was Angry, and she is a black woman

And it was a caricature at the end of the day

OWN IT SERENA

It wasn’t sexist, and it wasn’t unfair

Nor was it racist Serena, let’s be fair

The truth is you threw a huge tantrum

Because you knew your day was done 

GUTTERBALL

 

It is inevitable I suppose

Even though they deserve better

That old bowling balls

Will end up in the gutter

GOLF AND PORN

He was flicking channels between Golf and porn

So, he asked his wife “Which one should I watch eh?”

“For Heaven's sake, watch the porn” she snapped

“Golf! That you already know how to play” 

OLYMPIC CONDOMS

 

“My Olympic condoms have arrived”

A husband told his wife excitedly

“I think I’ll wear gold tonight” he said

And her shoulder’s slumped resignedly

“I would rather you wore silver and came

second for a change” she replied sweetly

GOLF IS LIKE MARRIAGE

 

Golf is like marriage, firstly

Both are very costly

And they won't work if you take

Yourself too seriously

THE GAME OF GOLF IS

 

The game of Golf is

A unique sport in my view

In which your most feared

Opponent is in fact you.

GOLF IS A HARD GAME TO FATHOM

Golf is a hard game to fathom.

One day you will play,

And slice it and shank it,

Hit every trap along the way

And miss every green,

But then on the next day

You go out and for no reason

At all, you really can’t play

A GIMME

 

“Gimme” is a famous Golfing term

Best described as an agreement

Between two like-minded Golfers,

Whose putting is to their detriment

A MULLIGAN

The Golfing term “mulligan”

Is actually a contraction

Of the phrase “muller it again”

GOLFING PERFECTION

Golfers who try to make

Everything perfect before they take

The shot will not improve their lot

And rarely make a perfect shot

GOLF V BASEBALL

 

Golf is undoubtedly

Harder than baseball.

As in Golf, you must

Play your foul balls

GOLF IS A MENTAL GAME

 

Golf is a mental game

And I don’t mean cerebral

You have to hit down

To make the ball go up.

You swing left and

The ball goes right

The lowest score wins.

And if that’s not mad enough,

The winner buys the drinks.

But if you get a hole in one

You buy the whole bar a drink

FIRST GRADE CADDY

 

His five-year-old nephew wanted

To caddy for him on his Golf round

“You have to count my strokes,

So, your counting has to be sound”

The Uncle explained, then asked

“How much is six, plus nine?”

“Five,” answered the nephew.

The Uncle said, “Ok that’s fine”

I’M A VERY COURAGEOUS GOLFER

 

I’m a very courageous Golfer,

At least in my view

Because it takes a lot of balls

To Golf the way, I do

AS THE BOWLER BEARS DOWN

 

As the bowler bears down

The crowd can readily sense

The batsman’s discomfiture

And smell the fear as the

Bowler releases his fast ball

And rearranges the furniture

ON THE WICKET AT LORDS

 

On the wicket at Lords

Is there any finer sight

Than the sun shining

On a bowler in full flight

MARADONA’S HEALTH SCARE

 

Diago Maradona collapsed after

Watching the Argentinian team

And medics then found a quantity

Of blood in his cocaine stream

KEEPING THE BALL

 

Having the most possession

In a match, doesn’t really count

If the opposing team doesn’t want

The football on any account

WORLD CUP RUSSIA 2018 – ENGLAND 0, BELGIUM 1

 

The old England are back,

I don’t know where they’ve bin’

But from a position of strength

They fucked up agin’

They’ve managed to lose,

Very much to their chagrin,

To a weak Belgium team,

Who didn’t even want to win

THE ROYAL AND ANCIENT AND A SAINT

 

I know little about St Andrew

Other than a shared name

With a famous Golf course

So, he must have liked a game