Tottenham Hotspurs emblem
Is a cockerel that the
fans don
And as the emblem is a
bird
The supporters egg
them on
Friday, 22 July 2022
TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS EMBLEM
THE FOOTBALL ISN’T UP TO MUCH
The football isn’t up to much
We are all sensing doom
At half time the directors
Go off to the bored room
FOGHORN LEGHORN
Foghorn Leghorn
Was sent off the field
today
The referee claimed
It was for persistent
fowl play
A STRIKER AND A MAGICIAN
A striker and a magician
Clearly have in common
An almost instinctive ability
To do hat tricks effectively
SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014
Now the evidence is
viewed
And the enquiry will conclude
That Suarez is totally
screwed
But what I think is
rude
Is that he plays with
his food
CINDERELLA’S TEAM IS BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE # 1
Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
They’re even lower
than the bumpkins
But it’s obvious why
they struggle
Because the team coach is a pumpkin
ONE OF MY TEACHERS IS A RUNNER
One of my teachers is a runner
He does it fanatically
But I don’t have him
for PE
I have him for
Jog-raphy
I WAS BEATEN UP BY A HULA HOOP
I was beaten up by a hula hoop
A round, bad-tempered fink
It was a totally unprovoked attack
It was a “vicious circle” I think
THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX – BRAZIL 2014
Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of
Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to
understand
Biting people is a no
no
BIMBETTE ENTERED A SWIMMING COMPETITION
Bimbette entered a swimming competition
In the breaststroke
much to her alarm
She came last and
claimed she was cheated
As the other swimmers
used their arms
I LOVE IT WHEN WE BEAT THE AUSSIES
I love it when we beat the Aussies
It’s a bit of a
passion of mine
Because they are such
bad losers
I’m way up on cloud
nine
I like to ask them,
“Would you like
Some cheese with that
whine?”
A YOUNG WOMAN GOLFER
A young woman golfer had just started
Her round, when she was stung by a Bee,
It was so painful she abandoned the game
And returned to the
clubhouse for sympathy
Her golf pro saw her as she returned
And wondered why she was back so early
So he went to ask her what was wrong
And she told him “'I was stung by a Bee”
“Oh dear, that’s
awful” he said “Where?”
He was sympathetic
right from the start
“Between the first and second hole”
She replied wincing at the stings smart.
He nodded knowingly and said
“Then your feet were too far apart”
A QUICK BITE – BRAZIL 2014
Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting
Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand
the outcry
As for a cannibal he
was only grazing
HEROES RETURN – BRAZIL 2014
England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a
heroes
Welcome of a sort
I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME
I never thought the day would come
In fact I would have
thought it absurd
When the Football
sense of “Brazilian”
Wasn’t the most
popular use of the word
WHEN I SAW MR MESSI PLAY
When I saw Mr Messi play
I was disappointed I
must say
I had to take a second
look
But he was nothing
like in the book
Thursday, 21 July 2022
AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014
Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players
I LIVE IN A SMALL WINDMILL
I live in a small windmill
I’ve never lived in one
before
It’s in a little
seaside town
On the promenade by
the shore
It’s nice, apart from
the golf balls
That keep coming thru
the door
THE MAGYARS CAME TO PLAY
In nineteen fifty three
The Magyars came to
play
Bamboozling Billy
Wright
The Beckham of his day
When Puskás dragged
back
He made Billy Wright
esquire
Look like a fire
engine
Heading towards the
wrong fire
On 25 November 1953,
at Wembley Stadium
England 3 Hungary 6, Ferenc
Puskás scored twice
BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014
The reason England failed
So says a guy in a
Favela
“It’s all the fault of
that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we
hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”
BRAZIL 1970
The Brazil side was
The best I’ve ever
seen
They were the best
Team that’s ever been
Pele, Rivelino and
Jairzinho, Holy
Trinity
Of the Champions
In Nineteen seventy
BRAZIL
The Brazil of old
Used to be a team of
flow
A samba side with
flare
Pass and move, give
and go
The modern Brazil
Though, are a team of
guile
Deceit and cunning
Replacing the cavalier
style
The Twenty fourteen
Brazil
Are a team of moments
But if they fail in
them
They fail in
tournament’s
Wednesday, 20 July 2022
TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS
I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much
about their hairstyle
And should pay as much
attention to detail
On the training ground
once in a while
ENGLAND INEPT IN BRAZIL 2014
There has only been one thing
More inept than
England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s
pompously
Hapless performance as
a pundit
A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED
A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just
the one
But nobody knew just
exactly
Who it was made a hole
in Juan
YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE
You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he
was a lesser player
Now he would also
appear to be
Second best as a
football commentator
If he entered a Phil
Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second
to his brother
Tuesday, 19 July 2022
ENGLAND IN BRAZIL 2014
2010You should always have a plan B
In Completive football
I’d say
Unfortunately for
England though
They neglected to have
a plan A
IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME
If footballers spent more time
Training and practising
their skills
Instead of feeling the
sting
Of the tattoo artists
drills
They would gain the
fans respect
Instead of looking
like utter pills
DOWN AT THE STABLES
Down at the stables
We have a dirty phone
caller
Who we have nicknamed
The hoarse Whisperer
A PHYSICAL JERK
I never take any form
Of physical exercise
I don’t want to be fit
If I see a jogger with
A smile on their face
Then I might try it
Friday, 15 July 2022
ELATED JOCKEY
Jumping the last, sure footed,
Never a
hint that he may fall
And after winning
the race
The jockey
felt five feet tall
BRENTFORD VERSUS WATFORD
Brentford versus Watford,
Is
basically me against my cousin
The Bee’s
against the Hornet’s
I’m telling
you we’re buzzin
ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS
One of the teams at the Olympics
Made a
clean sweep good and proper
Taking the
Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as
all the lead and copper
MURRAYFIELD RENAMED MUDDYFIELD
It had rained for days on end
The pitch
had had its fill
So much so
that the turf moved
But the
scrum stayed still
LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY
Nothing surprised me more
About the
2012 Olympics
Than the
opening ceremony
It was
astonishingly good
I must
admit I had my doubts
I feared a
parade of stretch Limos
Disgorging
scores of scantily clad
Essex girls
wearing plastic tiaras
And a
climax of the ceremony
Would have
been a group
Of Hurray
Henrys from the city
Dropping
their trousers
And farting
out a rendition
Of Rule
Britannia
Before one
of the bare arsed brokers
Would use
an Olympic torch
To light a
fart
And
subsequently ignite
The Olympic
flame
THE INTERNATIONAL SAILING RESULTS ARE IN
The international sailing results are in
The GB took
the gold medal once again
While Somalia took a middle-aged couple
Who were on holiday from Colerain
AT THE OLYMPICS THE ROMANIANS
At the Olympics the Romanians
Made a
clean sweep good and proper
Taking the
Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as
all the lead and copper
SIX BANNED WHEELCHAIR ATHLETES
Six banned Wheelchair athletes
From the
Paralympics team GB
Were found
to have tested positive
FIFA HAS BEEN INEFFECTUAL
FIFA has been ineffectual
In its
fight against Racism
In stark
contrast with the rise
Of pan
European Fascism
Who seem
more likely to
Kick
football out of Racism
HE DIDN’T CUT A DASH
He did not in anyway
Cut a dash
His skinny
legs
Hung below
his shorts
Like two
pieces
Of knotted
string
And yet he
ran
Like a
gazelle
I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I COME
I am proud to say that I come
From a
mixed race family
My mum was
a sprinter
And dad did
cross country
BLACK SOX
In the 1919 World Series
The Black
Sox scandal took place
When the
Chicago White Sox
Much to
their disgrace
Threw the
series
To the Reds
of Cincinnati
An event of
epic proportions
That will
forever live in infamy
BERT TRAUTMANN
Goalkeeper Bert Trautmann
Was from a
different age
When top
flight players
Were not
spoilt and pampered
He didn’t
live in a mansion
Or have a
selection of sports cars
To get to
work on match days
From his
home in Stockport
To Maine
road in Manchester
He had to
catch two buses
Tuesday, 5 July 2022
HE’S AN INSTINCTIVE PLAYER
He’s an instinctive player
A natural and
prodigious talent
Or so they
say, I think its
More by
luck than judgment
I WAS DRIVING HOME AFTER THE MATCH
I was driving home after the match
Listening
to the report on the BBC
It was
described as a fascinating contest
Which
surprised the hell out of me
Far from
being an interesting match
It was the
most boring thing you could see
IF NANI WAS IN YOUR TEAM
If Nani was in your team
Would you
enjoy his flare?
Well, I can
tell it has its place
But he just
shows off to be fair
IF YOUR TEAM IS DOING WELL
If your team is doing well
You can
carry a player with flare
But if they’re
doing badly
He’s no more
than a waste of air
ARE YOU WEARING FOOTBALL SOCKS?
Are you wearing football socks?
Well yes
you’ve got the right team
But you
have forgotten to wear
The rest of
the kit it would seem
RED SOX
For a Bostonian
At his
pleasure
Has a
particular calling
When at his
leisure
And that’s
at Fenway Park
Where he
spends the day
With
kindred spirits watching
The Red Sox
play
BACK IN 1966
Back in 1966
When I was
just a boy
I was full
of pride
Watching
Nobby’s jig of joy
And when
Bobby Moore
Was raised
shoulder high
Holding the
World Cup
We all
began to cry
THE LAST OF THE SUMMER WHINE
No sooner had the stumps been pulled
Then the
Vintage Aussie Whine was served
Made from
their abundant sour grapes
It was to toast an English victory well deserved
ARE YOU WEARING A FOOTBALL SHIRT?
Are you wearing a football shirt?
I like lady
footballers for my sins
My only
regret in your regard
Is you
choose shirts instead of skins
THE CROWD WENT WILD
The crowd went wild
And the
opposition reeled
As the
Chicago Bugs
Won again
at Wriggly Field
ARE YOU WEARING EAR MUFFS?
Are you wearing ear muffs?
Sorry but
that’s how it appears
After all
how was I to know?
That you
have cauliflower ears
BACK IN 66
Back in 66
When I was
just a boy
I was full
of pride
Watching
Nobby’s jig of joy
And when
Bobby Moore
Was raised
shoulder high
Holding the
World Cup
It made
every Scotsman cry
Monday, 4 July 2022
ARE YOU WEARING FOOTBALL BOOTS?
Are you wearing football boots?
Well, I can
see you’re ready to play
I have just
one small criticism
Namely
we’re playing Golf today
IN THE LONDON MARATHON
In the London Marathon
One of my
friends ran
Dressed as
a chicken
While
another one ran
Dressed as
an egg
I don’t
know who came first
WE HAVE A MIDFIELD GENERAL # 2
We have a midfield General
Highly
talented but temperamental
A hard-working
terrier
But on a
bad day he’s just mental
OUR TEAM PLAY AT AN HISTORIC GROUND
Our team plays at an historic ground
We on the terraces
all proudly roar
All the
visiting fans shout in reply
That it’s an
old run-down eye sore
WE HAVE A GREAT SCOTTISH INTERNATIONAL
We have a great Scottish international
By the name
of Jim McKee
Well, when
I say he’s a Scottish
His parents
once went to Dundee
ARE YOU WEARING A REPLICA SHIRT?
Are you wearing a replica shirt?
So what
team is it you support?
I don’t recognize
the badge
Who the
hell are Southport?
THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES
They’re putting on activities
For those whose lives need
enhancing
Well I’m hard of hearing
And of the activities they
are advancing
Budgie jumping, parrot
shooting
And hen gliding
Might be worth chancing
But no way am I going to
have a go
At the Lion dancing
GREAT DEPRESSION
I have been diagnosed with depression
But I won’t
let it beat me
I have been
on the Internet
And I’ve
found the treatment for me
It’s the 18-step
plan
And I start
on the first tee
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