A FRISBEE

 

I was wondering,

Why does a Frisbee

Appeared larger and larger

Then it hit me

TIME IS UP

 

To my chest my hands I clasp

I deeply breathe, I wheeze and gasp

My temples throb, my mouth is dry

My heart beats fast, I’m going to die

My voice has gone, my throat is sore

My hands both shake, I can take no more

I lay my head, upon my knee

Now blow the whistle Referee

WHEN I FIRST GOT INTO ATHLETICS

 

When I first got into athletics

A hurdle scared me a bit

But with dogged perseverance

I managed to get over it

 

SPORTING COURAGE

 

I’m a very courageous

Sportsman, basically

As it takes a lot of balls

To play Golf like me

NO MORE JIG OF JOY

 

Norbert Peter Stiles

18th May 1942 – 30th October 2020 

 

Norbert Peter Stiles

Was his given name

A diminutive figure

But a giant in the game

Fearless on the pitch

Fearsome and ferocious

But away from the game

Gentle and humorous

I remember fondly

England’s greatest day

And I remember Nobby

At the end of play

With his spindly legs

And gap-toothed smile

Because no one danced

Like our Nobby Stiles

A GOOD EXERCISE

 

Exercise is a good thing

Pushing your body physically

It can take many forms

I like cycling particularly

I like golf and swimming

I like long walks, especially

When they are taken by

People who annoy me

MANCHESTER UNITED’S UNDERGROUND HEATING

 

Manchester United’s underground

Heating hasn’t been restored

So they’re planning to rename

The stadium Cold Trafford

TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS EMBLEM

 

Tottenham Hotspurs emblem

Is a cockerel that the fans don

And as the emblem is a bird

The supporters egg them on

A STRIKER AND A MAGICIAN

 

A striker and a magician

Clearly have in common

An almost instinctive ability

To do hat tricks effectively

ONE OF MY TEACHERS IS A RUNNER

One of my teachers is a runner

He does it fanatically

But I don’t have him for PE

I have him for Jog-raphy

I LOVE IT WHEN WE BEAT THE AUSSIES

 

I love it when we beat the Aussies

It’s a bit of a passion of mine

Because they are such bad losers

I’m way up on cloud nine

I like to ask them, “Would you like

Some cheese with that whine?”

WHEN I SAW MR MESSI PLAY

 

When I saw Mr Messi play

I was disappointed I must say

I had to take a second look

But he was nothing like in the book

MY BOSS DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM

 

My Boss doesn’t go to the gym

But it’s not a case of him being slack  

He gets all the exercise he needs

Just by stabbing people in the back

SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014

 

Now the evidence is viewed

And the enquiry will conclude

That Suarez is totally screwed

But what I think is rude

Is that he plays with his food

THE MAGYARS CAME TO PLAY

 

In nineteen fifty-three

The Magyars came to play

Bamboozling Billy Wright

The Beckham of his day

When Puskás dragged back

He made Billy Wright esquire

Look like a fire engine

Heading towards the wrong fire

 

On 25 November 1953, at Wembley Stadium

England 3 Hungary 6, Ferenc Puskás scored twice

A QUICK BITE – BRAZIL 2014

 

Luis Suarez thought the response

To his biting Chiellini quite amazing

He couldn’t understand the outcry

As for a cannibal he was only grazing

THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX – BRAZIL 2014

 

Whether you call him Lucho

Or El Pistolero 

Or the cannibal of Ajax

Or even El Conejo

Suarez needs to understand

Biting people is a no no

ARE YOU WEARING FOOTBALL SOCKS?

 

Are you wearing football socks?

Well yes you’ve got the right team

But you have forgotten to wear

The rest of the kit it would seem

MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 1

 

My Dad doesn’t go to the gym

He has no need of their facilities  

As he gets all the exercise he needs

Just by dodging his responsibilities

IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME

 

If footballers spent more time

Training and practising their skills

Instead of feeling the sting

Of the tattoo artists drills

They would gain the fans respect

Instead of looking like utter pills

 

ARE YOU WEARING A FOOTBALL SHIRT?

Are you wearing a football shirt?

I like lady footballers for my sins

My only regret in your regard

Is you choose shirts instead of skins 

AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014

 

Suarez should be hungry

Like all strikers

But for goals

And not for other players

TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS

 

I think today’s professional footballers

Worry far too much about their hairstyle

And should pay as much attention to detail

On the training ground once in a while

BACK IN 66

Back in 66

When I was just a boy

I was full of pride

Watching Nobby’s jig of joy

And when Bobby Moore

Was raised shoulder high

Holding the World Cup

It made every Scotsman cry

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 3

 

My wife doesn’t go to the gym

She’s the fittest lass around

As she gets all the exercise she needs

Just from running people down

HORSEY CLAIRE BALDING

 

Horsey Claire Balding

Is always with a nag

I think she looks like

Stephen Fry in drag

ARE YOU WEARING A TIRED EXPRESSION?

 

Are you wearing a tired expression?

There is also a hint of depression

I recognize that look on a man

You’re a Manchester United fan

FIFA HAS BEEN INEFFECTUAL

 

FIFA has been ineffectual

In its fight against Racism

In stark contrast with the rise

Of pan European Fascism

Who seem more likely to

Kick football out of Racism

BACK IN 1966

 

Back in 1966

When I was just a boy

I was full of pride

Watching Nobby’s jig of joy

And when Bobby Moore

Was raised shoulder high

Holding the World Cup

We all began to cry

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2

 

My wife doesn’t go to the gym

She’s as skinny as a candle

As she gets all the exercise she needs

Just from flying off the handle

HE’S AN INSTINCTIVE PLAYER

 

He’s an instinctive player

A natural and prodigious talent

Or so they say, I think its

More by luck than judgment

I WAS DRIVING HOME AFTER THE MATCH

 

I was driving home after the match

Listening to the report on the BBC

It was described as a fascinating contest

Which surprised the hell out of me

Far from being an interesting match

It was the most boring thing you could see

IF NANI WAS IN YOUR TEAM

 

If Nani was in your team

Would you enjoy his flare?

Well, I can tell it has its place

But he just shows off to be fair

IF YOUR TEAM IS DOING WELL

 

If your team is doing well

You can carry a player with flare

But if they’re doing badly

He’s no more than a waste of air

WE HAVE A GREAT SCOTTISH INTERNATIONAL

 

We have a great Scottish international

By the name of Jim McKee

Well, when I say he’s Scottish

His parents once went to Dundee

WHY UNITED?

 

My mate asked me why

I’m a United fan

I replied that it was

Because my brother Dan

Supported the Reds,

Also, my dad was a United man

And my mum was a

Lifelong United fan

So that was why I was also

A Man United fan

 

“That’s ridiculous” he said

“What if your brother was a thug?

Your mum was a prostitute

And your dad was on drugs

What would you be then?

You poor misguided fool?”
“Well obviously” I replied

“Then I'd support Liverpool”