I have been a keen sports fan
For as long as I can remember
And my father, since boyhood,
Is an even bigger fan than me
Having said that, there is an event
That has frankly always puzzled us
And that is the University Boat Race,
Which takes place on the Thames,
Between two coxed eight crews
So not the most thrilling event
But that’s not the puzzling part
What puzzle’s us is the participants
As it’s always Oxford and Cambridge
So how do they always get to the final?
Well now the Paralympics are over
The
call is coming loud and clear
To
accommodate those unfortunates
Whose
disadvantages were just too severe
For
them to be able to compete
So
following a simply inspired idea
Next
summer on the sporting Calendar
A
brand new event will appear
To
accommodate the unfortunates
When
the “Essex Games” begin next year
Amateurism, when participating
Was
more important than winning
Well
that idealism has been lost
Because
today it’s win at all cost
Alas I was in error
There
is no end to the terror
Alas
I was sadly wrong
The
Olympic whinge goes on
I was surprised Mario Balotelli left City
Though
it was surrounded in farce
I
would have thought it more likely
That
he’d disappear up his own arse
Boxing Day is very popular
For Sport of all kinds in the UK
But in our corner of the land
Trial Pursuit is order of the day
I love the Olympics
And
now it’s on home soil
It
gives us an opportunity
As
our competitors toil
To
see them taking part
In
events of this and that
Of
seeing all the many sports
The
team GB are so awful at
The Essex Games
Begin
next year
For
the Essex folk
Who
will appear
In
man made fibres
And
gaudy splendour
To
watch the best of them
In
their endeavours
When
Dave and Chelsea
Shazza
and Baz
Will
perform for us to watch
In
such events as
Copping
a strop
Vagazaling
The
stiletto 100m
And
the bling
Throwing
a tantrum
The
Alco pop crawl
The
face dive
And
the ungraceful fall
As
yet the events list
Is
relatively small
Unless
you can suggest
Anything
at all?
For the most splendid
Summer
of sport
We
should thank Lord Coe
And
all the ambassadors
All
the games makers
And
the volunteers
We
should thank the armed forces
For
stepping into the breech
Technicians
and officials
All
the competitors
For
performing to their best
And
the spectators
Just
for being there
And
last but by no means least
For
their foresight
All
those years ago
In
clearing the Olympic site
We
say a big thank you
To
the German Luftwaffe
We were at the weightlifting
Watching
the woman at work
My
friend shouted “great snatch”
I
said, “Isn’t this the clean and jerk?”
The best form of exercise
Is
sex! Well that’s what they say
But
five minutes at Christmas
Won’t
take my beer gut away
After seven long years
Of
blood sweat and tears
The
games can commence
And
that test of human endurance
Can
come to an end
As
we abandon that trend
That
has made us all cringe
The
seven-year Olympic whinge
I am a scratch golfer
And what
that means my lad
Is I write
down all my good scores
And scratch
out the bad
Professor Sir Ludwig "Poppa" Guttmann
How
proud would Ludwig be?
If
he could only see
The
oak tree that has grown
From
his tiny acorn sown
As
a Jew he was no stranger
To
prejudice and its danger
He
had seen the Nazi storm
And
they’re concept of the norm
He
saw how disabilities lead
To
the slaughter shed
So
he fled to London
And
his work was begun
How
proud would Poppa be?
If
he could only see
The
fruits of his endeavours
To
change the view forever
Of
people written off
“Only
cripples?” he would scoff
He
was a tour de force
And
single minded of course
Who
didn’t see freak show exhibits
But
challenges to the human spirit
How
proud he would have been
If
he could have only seen
When
Paralympians, each and every one
Out
shone the September sun
A pole dancer and a gymnast
Hard
working and skilled too
The
only difference between them
Seems
to be the quantity of tattoo
I love the girl’s Beach Volleyball
I’m
really very keen
It’s
not like a proper beach though
For
a start it’s just to clean
No
cigarette ends or beer cans
And
not a used condom to be seen
A man got on the bus
And sat
down next to Bimbette
He smiled
warmly at her
And briefly
their eyes met
Full of
golf balls
His bulging
front trouser pockets
Caught her
attention
Her eyes
almost left their sockets
He said
"its golf balls."
And Bimbette said “Oh”
Then
continued, "Does it hurt
As much as
tennis elbow?"
I like the sporting banter
Surrounding
sporting Rivalry
But there
is a fine line
Separating
it from tribalry
Are you wearing Olympic suits?
Well you’re
looking very smart
You’re
Essex lads aren’t you?
I bet you
can’t wait for it to start
You will
show to the world at large
That you
have good hearts
When you’re
lighting the torches
Show us you
possess some smarts
For I hope
there is more to you
When the
2012 Olympiad starts
Than dropping
your tailored trousers
And
lighting up your farts
The dour Scot lost the first two sets
And the
outcome looked a pretty safe bet
But the
plucky Brit fought back to level
Only for
the Scot to return in the final set
Are you wearing plus twos?
Well
listen, here’s the bad news
It looks as
though the plus twos
Have fallen
out with your shoes
If the 60s was the decade of dreams
Then the
1970’s was the decade of nightmares
It was the
decade when
The German
hex over England began
As in the
heat of Mexico, in 1970
They
knocked us out of the World Cup,
And it all
went downhill from there
The defeat
to Germany
Was to be
England’s last appearance
In the
World Cup Finals for 12 years.
The
following year saw Arsenal,
The team we
all love to hate,
Do the
League and cup double.
1972 saw me
enter the work place
And I’ve
been there ever since, but I’m not bitter.
1973 was a
mixed year
Manchester
United were relegated to division 2,
The
Washington Redskins lost in the Superbowl
And a significant
other entered my life.
1974 United
won promotion as champions
But
Liverpool won the FA Cup and they blossomed
Into a
force that would dominate for years to come.
The
following year Liverpool won the league title
In 1976
Southampton beat United in the cup final,
All the
worse as my future father in law was a saint’s fan
The high
point of the decade came in 77 when
United won
the FA Cup, beating Liverpool 2-1
Normal
service resumed for 1978
As I
discovered there was more to girls
Than
holding hands and stealing kisses.
And that
they very definitely weren’t,
All sugar
and spice and all thing nice
My
significant other left me for an accountant,
Who
supported Luton Town,
And to add
insult onto injury was ginger
1979 United
lost in the Cup Final to Arsenal
And so
ended the decade of disappointments
When the
only thing naffer than the music
Were the
70’s fashions
The decade
that didn’t even have style
Or a decent
musical accompaniment
The 70’s
when dreams turned to nightmares
Are you wearing plus fours?
Well they look just the job
The tweeds with argyle socks
But you do look like a nob
Young heroes returning
From a far
off foreign field
With hard
fought victory won
Where the
valiant refused to yield
Like heroes
from Homers Iliad
Exalted in
the legends
But in the
Germanic snows
The heroes
journey ends
As the Gods
of winter struck
Fire and
ice took its toll
And the
names were duly writ
Upon an
eternal honour roll
Geoff Bent,
Roger Byrne (Capt)
Duncan
Edwards, Billy Whelan
David Pegg,
Tommy Taylor
Mark Jones
and Eddie Colman
We didn’t think that life
Could
get any better
We
were young
Happy
and content
Kicking
footballs
Building
carts
Climbing
trees
Fishing
in the pond
Swimming
in the pool
Then
they came along
Distracting
us
With
their undulations
Their
cheap perfume
That
seemed so exotic
Walking
with their funny wiggles
Laughing
with their girlish giggles
And
the boyhood fun was over
No
more jumpers for goal posts
No
more war games in the woods
We
still played in the woods
But
then it was holding hands
Hugging
and snogging
And
playing with fun bumps
But no more jumpers for goal posts
My friend got a personal trainer
And trained
with him for a while
Starting a
year before his wedding
So I
questioned the length of the aisle
At the Winter Olympics Games
One of the
sponsors participating
Is a
pharmaceutical giant who
Are
sponsoring the Speed skating
Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
Though it’s no surprise at all
When the princess in waiting
Keeps running away from the ball
Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
They’re even lower than the bumpkins
But it’s obvious why they struggle
Because the team coach is a pumpkin
