THE FIRST TIME I TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND HOME

 

The first time I took my girlfriend home

So that my mum could meet her

She wore a big green shirt and huge gloves

And my mum said she was a keeper

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE NATURAL (1984)

“The Natural” is a sports drama, based on the novel by Bernard Malamud and Directed by Barry Levinson.

The story is about an unknown middle-aged batter named Roy Hobbs (Robert Redford) with a mysterious past, who appears out of nowhere to join a struggling team as a rookie in the 1930’s, much to the disgust of coach Pop Fisher (Wilford Brimley) who thinks the teams owner The Judge (Robert Prosky) is deliberately trying to scupper the team, so he refuses to play Hobbs on principle.

But he does have an ally in assistant coach Red Blow (Richard Farnsworth) and eventually Pop relents and Hobbs takes a losing baseball team to the top of the league with the aid of a bat cut from a lightning struck tree.

But it soon becomes apparent that it’s more important to the Judge that the team fail and when bribes don’t work, femme fatal Memo Paris (Kim Basinger) tries to distract him, and it appears to be working until his childhood sweetheart Iris Gaines (Glenn Close) appears one day in the stands and gets him back on track.

It takes reporter Max Mercy (Robert Duvall) to uncover the story of Roy Hobbs mysterious past as he begins to bask in the fame he should have had earlier in his life when, as a rising pitcher, he was inexplicably shot by a young woman, Harriet Bird (Barbara Hershey) in a hotel room.

 

SHOT IN THE BACK - SIDE

 

It was in the buttock apparently
That a footballer has been shot
Although from the papers you may
Believe it or believe it not
As this was the way of reporting
The event that they preferred
“Adjacent to the players tunnel
An explosive incident occurred”

THE PRIDE OF ENGLAND

 

Everyone full of national pride
The atmosphere was electrified
St George’s cross’s everywhere
As our Englishness we’d share
They didn’t win the cup out east
While serving up a football feast
They won new friends out there
And hearts of people everywhere
Bringing new pride to the nation
And deserving of our admiration

INTERNATIONAL BAN - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

Goodluck Jonathon’s response to the failure

Of the Nigeria team in South Africa

Is to ban them from internationals

For the next two year which is radical

 

The English FA considered doing the same

For the good of the English game

But decided not to at an FA meeting

As no one would notice England not competing

TOP DOGS

 

Korea have had a great world cup

They’ve beaten Italy with a golden goal

How will they celebrate the victory?

They’ll be eating dog tonight in Seoul

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

We were rubbish in South Africa

But we should stop the whining

For no matter how black the cloud

There is always a silver lining

 

We were rubbish in South Africa

And we get no second chance

But at least we can safely say

That we were not as bad as France

A DISAPPOINTING DRAW, ENGLAND 0, ALGERIA 0, - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

“We are disappointed with the draw

Against this piss poor team today”

“We consider it two points dropped”

Said a spokesman of the Algerian FA

WHO DOES HE SUPPORT?

 

 

“England are out what did you think?
What a free kick” he gave me a wink
“Those Brazilian's are good though
Best team won don't you think so?”
Now he wasn't English that for certain
And he surely didn't look Brazilian
Now there a clue a sardonic grin
He really must be of Celtic origin

VIMTO TANGO

 

 

Placebo, Subuteo, and Scenario
Portfolio, Pinocchio or Fellatio
Are these words from everyday?
Or footballer's from Brazilia way

INTRUDER ALERT - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

After security failures

In South Africa

Surrounding England

In particular

FIFA want to ascertain

How certain individuals

Could gain entry

Without credentials

To England’s dressing room

The ones causing most worry

Were Emile Heskey

Glen Johnson and Gareth Barry

WHEN SATURDAY COMES

 

I support them as they're from my hometown
I've supported them for years it would seem
Before the start of every single game at home
They announce the crowd changes to the team

 

Come next year the team may well be in Europe
But that would only happen if there is a war I fear
If you ask them “what time does the match start?
They just reply “well what time can you get here

 

The team does a lap of honor if they win the toss
This does at least get the meager crowd humming
To take the pressure off and to help our keeper
We put a Bell in the ball so he can hear it coming

 

We have the strongest team in the football league
From the bottom we have to hold the rest up
We're always the bookie's favorite for the drop
For we've never won a title a trophy or a cup

 

My father exposed me to this when I was a boy
Since, Saturday afternoons are spent in torture
I now expose my children to sad match days
And their children will also suffer in the future

CAPDEVILA, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0, - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

Capdevila has reached the pinnacle

Of herculean World Cup feats

He has joined the pantheon

Of notorious world cup cheats

WELL MY LORD, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0, - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

Did you think Lord Triesman mad, for saying?

That referee’s might me bribed by Spain

If so, did watching the sending off of Costa

Give you any doubt and make you think again

GOOD BYE TOMMY

 

Good bye Tommy

Celtics gentleman

Respected by professionals

Respected by the fans

 

Good bye Tommy

Celtic servant and friend

A rock and pillar

Until your early end

 

Good bye Tommy

High in our esteem

The Celtic angels now

Have a new man on the team

 

Tommy Burns Died May 15^th 2008

 

WHO PUT THE GER IN ANGER

 

Waves of Rangers blue

Relentlessly Attack

Wave upon wave

Push their opponents back

 

But this valiant effort

This Rangers blue tide

That moved with precision

Pushing opponents aside

 

Did not happen in the stadium

Nor was a ball at their feet

This game took place

On Manchesters city streets

 

The Waves of Rangers blue

With alcohol fuelled Fight

Brought to bear upon the police

Their vengeance and their spite

 

But if during the match

Such passion had been on show

Then the UEFA cup

Might have gone to Glasgow 

 

May 14^th 2008

The events following the UEFA Cup final at the City of Manchester Stadium

A SWIFT EXIT - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

England left for the airport

On the wrong bus, apparently

For emblazoned on its side was

“Playing with pride and glory”

 

England’s bus was possibly stolen

You will recognize it quite easily

For emblazoned on its side is

“Playing with sloth and lethargy”

BLATTER’S FOLLY

 

Everyone wants a video ref in the game

There are no dissenting voices I can name

Fans shout their support and managers want it

Players are in favour and even the refs want it

Because it is a change that really matters

Everybody wants it except Mr Blatter

TIGER, TIGER - CHOICES

 

Tiger Woods was undecided,

Iron or wood that was the quandary

Eventually he settled on

A Fire hydrant followed by a tree

ENGLAND COACH - CAPELLO

 

The new England supremo

Mr Fabio Capello

Plans to take the England team

And fulfill our football dream

To raise English spirits up

And win the next world cup

But it would seem

This is just a silly dream

As the only way Mr Capello

The poor deluded fellow

Will take a team as far

As the finals in South Africa

The only way he can deliver

Is as the German team coach driver

THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER

 

Was it the organisation?

That was to blame

Or profiteering retailers

Perhaps too greedy

Pubs and clubs to liberal?

Uninterested in consequences

A faulty screen was a factor

In the ensuing conflict

But all of the above played a part

So technology caused the spark

And Alcohol fuelled the flames

What began with scuffle and skirmish

Erupted in a volcano of hate

And then the battle commenced

As the angry and the drunk

Rampaged through the city

The police were mobilised

To quell hostilities

But hopelessly out numbered

The had to withdraw

They fell back to regroup

Pursued by packs

Of blue clad animals

In the mêlée

A lone officer, a tail ender

Already wounded by a bottle

Stumbled and fell before his pursuers

They quickly surrounded him

And kicks rained in on him

But amidst this madness, this carnage

A Rangers fan, an ex-army man

Hauled the stricken officer to his feet

And dragged him away from the fight

At first stunned the thugs looked on bemused

Then they charged on

Urged on by the soldier

The officer ran muscles burning

But for the soldier propelling him along

The officer would have fallen

Then sanctuary was in sight

A police van sat invitingly

But they must run on

The soldier yelled encouragement

The officer responded

As they reached the police van

The officer was pushed into the back

And a line of yellow coated police

Swarmed onto the attacking Rangers phalanx

And in that instant the soldier was gone

Where did he go, the Good Samaritan

Who was he? This saviour

The ex-soldier whose humanity

Surpassed his baser instincts

Will we ever know who he was?

Or where he came from

Should we try to find him?

To heap glory on him

Or should we just thank God for him

 

May 14^th 2008

The events following the UEFA Cup final at the City of Manchester Stadium

FIFA # 5

 

The beautiful game,

Is the life blood

Coursing through their veins

These guardians,

These stewards and rule makers

It fills their every waking moment

 

On the other hand

They are:

 

Frauds

Interested in

Football

A little

TIGER, TIGER -TRAPPINGS

 

Being on the top of his sport

Tiger Woods is wealthy,

And he enjoys the trappings

Of being financially healthy

He has bought luxury cars

With what he has won

Once all in pristine condition

But now has a hole-in-one.

THEY’RE HAVING A LAUGH - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

Cole and King were seen

Laughing hysterically

Just a few hours

After defeat to Germany

 

I saw no humour

In the way England plays

In fact I haven’t laughed

For the past two days

WOKINGS WOES

After a dismal start to the season

Woking are slowest out the blocks

With one point from five games

The crowd are angry to their socks

They have singled out a scapegoat

A target for their jeers and mocks

and they call the new striker “jigsaw”

Because he goes to pieces in the box

POINTING THE FINGER - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

We were predictable, disorganized, and poor

Our ineptitude was there for all to see

But as much as the players failed to turn up

And performed disappointingly

We were tactically bereft as well

Because Fabio Capello has no plan B

BRITISH BULLDOG

 

Diego Maradonna

He of the infamous

Hand of God

Has been savaged

By his new pet

The hound of God

FIFA # 4

 

Guardians of the game,

Holders of the purse strings

The doers of deals

Honest as the day is…..

 

On the other hand

They are

 

First

In

For

All the dosh

TIGER, TIGER - MUTUAL APPRECIATION CLUB

Tiger should now have

Sympathy for baby seals

With first hand knowledge

Of how they feel

As Tiger and the baby seal

Have in common

That they’ve both been clubbed

By a Scandinavian

GREAT EXPECTATIONS - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

I never expected us to win the cup

That was always inconceivable

But if we played to our potential

The Quarter finals were achievable

 

But when the first ball was kicked

They were more nightmare than dream

So I just wanted them to do their best

Clearly too much to ask of our team 

FULHAM’S FOLLY

 

Outside a football ground in London

At Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham

Stands a statue of Wacko Jacko

Why is it there? I don’t know

What is he doing in West London eh?

Is it because when Fulham play

They are not all black or all white

Not unlike Jackson himself, is that right?

Or is it just that Al Fayed my old lad

You are really barking mad

SUMMER SEASON

 

The summer started oh so well

With a Euro football banquet

Though sadly the home nations

Were unable to attend it

But the Euros inevitably led

To the curse of footie nations

The summer transfer market

And the incessant speculation

After the Euros came Wimbledon

And I cheered on the plucky brit

Then suffered our inclement climate

While being bored by the Cricket

I watched the windblown whingers

Hacking round at the British open

Then courtesy of the highlights

I sat and watched it all again

Then more newspaper talk

Of who will stay and who will go

Who is in and who is out

And more stories about Ronaldo

Two weeks away on the costas

Helped to numb the pain

Then home to more paper talk

And of course more summer rain

Even the upcoming Olympics

Fail to give me inspiration

Thinking of all that track and field

Merely deepens my depression

The only thing to break my torpor

And to rejuvenate my heart

Is to hear that shrill whistle blow

And have the football season start

CRISIS? WHAT IS A CRISIS?

 

The FIFA barons

Just keep getting fatter

The fattest of all are

Warner and Blatter

And despite revelations

And newspaper chatter

The president contends

It’s an internal matter

FIFA # 3

 

The beautiful game,

Is the life blood

Coursing through their veins

These guardians,

These stewards and rule makers

It fills their every waking moment

 

On the other hand

They actually think

 

Football

Is interesting

For

About a minute

TIGER, TIGER - THE TIGER

 

Tiger, Tiger, what a plight

Laying prone out like a light

What mortal hand blacked your eye?

And left you staring at the sky

 

What greater wounds would be

On your bruised and battered body

If your wife had on reflection

Thought carefully about her club selection

HIT FOR SIX

 

A man went to see Doctor Crum

“I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum.”

“How's that?”

“Don't you start”

LOCAL INQUIRY

 

I rang up my local swimming baths

Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

The reply he received was quite rum

'It depends where you're calling from.'

NEW ANGLES

 

Angling is an ancient pastime
And thousands sit with permit paid
Some stand on the riverbank
Some enter the water and wade
Long held traditions are kept
Yet new innovations are made
As modern anglers try to improve
With every kind of newfangled aid
In wartime when my father was young
And when not fighting or on parade
Was forced as he had no rod and line
To go fishing with a hand grenade

NICE ONE HENRY

 

FIFA are on a mission
Racism in the game they want to defeat
An admirable ambition indeed
But first they need to stamp out cheats
Its spread from normal quarters
To Thierry Henry who to his disgrace
After a shoulder to the chest
Went down holding his face

WINGLESS WONDERS

 

 

Wingless wonders they were named
As world cup winners they are famed
Gordon Banks, played in the goal
For Bobby Moore, the captain’s role
Cohen and Wilson at the back
The Charlton brothers, Bob and Jack
Martin Peters and Alan Ball
Nobby Stiles stood ten feet tall
Roger Hunt scores when he can
And Geoff Hurst the hat trick man
Sir Alf Ramsey teamed them up
And in 66 they won the cup

WINE DOWN UNDER

Don’t buy any Australian wine’s this year

Because since they lost in the World Cup I fear

When we knocked them off their ivory tower

All of their grapes have suddenly gone sour 

WUMMAGIN IN THE UNDERGROWF

 

My dad always used to say that

Rummaging in the garden after all

When overgrown and wild would

Always turn up an old tennis ball

NICE ONE HENRY # 2

 

 

FIFA are on a mission
Disrespect for refs they want to defeat
An admirable ambition indeed
But first they need to stamp out cheats
Its spread from normal quarters
To Thierry Henry who to his ignominy
handled the ball to keep it in play

A offence done quite deliberately

Which was compounded by his lie,

That it happened accidentally

ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1

 

For Henman fans Andy Murray

Doesn’t do it for them

And for his on court aggression

They criticize him

But if you remove his aggression

You’re left with Tim

SINGING THE BLUES - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

They sing the homesick blues

“We miss our families”

These pampered prima donnas

Living in 5 star luxury

 

In Afghanistan they are home sick

They miss their families

The soldiers living in tents

Under fire from the enemy

 

They sing the “we’re bored blues”

“There‘s, like nothing to do”

Like a bunch of seven year olds

Not men of over 22

 

We are so bored with these players

And their incessant whining

Waited on hand and foot

Living it up on 5 star dinning

 

They sing the “we’re bored blues”

Like we have any sympathy

Only having to play once a week

Then after training they are free

 

We’re tired waiting for our heroes

When eleven strangers appear

Where are the premiership stars?

Who play weekly without fear

 

We sing the England blues

As each tournament comes around

When each and every time

Our dreams lie tattered on the ground

 

FIFA # 2

 

Guardians of the game,

Well respected,

Famed for their integrity

Their stewardship and

Honest endeavour

 

On the other hand

 

Few

In

Football

Agree

ACED

 

My uncle sadly died at Wimbledon

He was a killed by a tennis ball

I wasn’t too sad at the funeral

It was a lovely service after all

HOWARDS END - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

 

Well England made it to the final

Though alas only the refereeing chap

But like the England team before him

Howard Webb was really crap

THE BEST IN THE WORLD

 

I won’t hear a word against our tennis players

It’s true that they certainly have their detractors

But I have always thought British players

Make truly world-class tennis commentators

ALADIN’S WISH

 

Aladin rubbed his lamp

And a Genie did appear

You can have one wish

But only one he made clear

 

“I want to live forever”

Aladin told the genie.
“I’m sorry” Came the reply

“You can’t wish for immortality”

 

“Living forever

Is against the regulations

You must think again

And revise your expectation”

 

“Do you have your wish?”

Aladin answered “Yup”

“I want to live to see

England win the world cup”

THE TENNIS SWING

 

The dour Scot lost the first two sets

And the outcome looked a pretty safe bet

But the plucky Brit fought back to level

Only for the Scot to return in the final set

EURO TRASH

 

After another dismal round of European qualifiers

I think it’s time for a change

There are too many countries now

So, I propose something radical

Norway and Sweden should merge

To become Swedway or Norden

Spain and Portugal could become

Sportugal, Porpain or Spugal

Denmark and Finland would be Finmark

Belgium and Holland would become Belland

Germany and Austria would either be

Gerstria or the fourth Reich

The Balkan states could reform as Yugoslavia

Greece and Turkey could be Treece or Gurkey

The USSR could regroup, for sporting reasons only of course

And the home nations could combine to become England

GOLF MODE

 

A man got on the bus

And sat down next to Bimbette

He smiled warmly at her

And briefly their eyes met

 

Full of Golf balls

His bulging front trouser pockets

Caught her attention

Her eyes almost left their sockets

 

He said, “its Golf balls.”
And Bimbette said “Oh”

Then continued, “Does it hurt

As much as Tennis elbow?”

ARE YOU WEARING SNOWSHOES?

 

Are you wearing snowshoes?

Blimey those things cost a packet

Hang on after closer inspection

Your snowshoe is a tennis racket

ENGLISH DEFENDERS LEAGUE

 

Goals scored in the premiership

Reached record numbers on Saturday

But that’s what happens when you hold

An EDL rally on the same day

NO MORE JUMPERS FOR GOAL POSTS

 

We didn’t think that life

Could get any better

We were young

Happy and content

Kicking footballs

Building carts

Climbing trees

Fishing in the pond

Swimming in the pool

Then they came along

Distracting us

With their undulations

Their cheap perfume

That seemed so exotic

Walking with their funny wiggles

Laughing with their girlish giggles

And the boyhood fun was over

No more jumpers for goal posts

No more war games in the woods

We still played in the woods

But then it was holding hands

Hugging and snogging

And playing with fun bumps

But no more jumpers for goal posts

NEVER LOSE YOUR HEART TO A TENNIS PLAYER

Never lose your heart to a tennis player

And that goes for women and men

But it’s not that they are bad people

It’s just that love means nothing to them

FIFA # 1

 

Guardians of the game,

Holders of the purse strings

The doers of deals

Honest as the day is…..

 

On the other hand

 

Financially

Incongruous

Finagling

Acquiescence

MY NEW TENNIS PARTNER

My new tennis partner

Always obstructs my view,

Stood in the middle of the court

But that’s Annette for you