BATSMEN WEAR A PROTECTIVE BOX

 

Batsmen wear a protective box

In order to ensure

That the bowler cannot

Rearrange his furniture

AS A MULTI SPORTS CLUB GRASSHOPPER

As a multi sports club Grasshopper

Club Zürich are just the ticket

They play a large number of sports

Though funnily enough Not Cricket

AT THIS YEAR’S INSECT SUPER BOWL

 At this year’s insect Super Bowl

The quarterback played dismally

Rimsky-Korsakov dropped the ball

It was the plight of the fumble Bee

WHY UNITED?

My mate asked me why

I’m a United fan

I replied that it was

Because my brother Dan

Supported the Reds,

Also my dad was a United man

And my mum was a

Lifelong United fan

So that was why I was also

A Man United fan

“That’s ridiculous” he said

“What if your brother was a thug?

Your mum was a prostitute

And your dad was on drugs

What would you be then?

You poor misguided fool?”

“Well obviously” I replied

“Then I'd support Liverpool”

THE FIRST TESTICULAR PROTECTION

 

The first testicular protection

Known as a "box" was introduced

In 1874

Whereas the first cranial protection

Known as a “helmet” was introduced

In 1974

So, it only took a hundred years

For Cricketers to figure out the score

That balls shouldn’t be more

Important than brains anymore

MASCOT

 

I was amused to see at the weekend that the Bolton Wanders mascot, a seven-foot Lion, was ordered by the referee to stay at the Bolton end of the ground in the first half because the Lion was confusing the Norwich City players.

At half time the Lion reappeared wearing the Bolton away strip and was allowed to resume his duties.

I can’t help thinking that Norwich City’s position at the foot of the premiership table may be related to their inability to differentiate between a seven-foot Lion and fellow footballers.

HE’S AN INSTINCTIVE PLAYER

 

He’s an instinctive player

A natural and prodigious talent

Or so they say, I think its

More by luck than judgment

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – FIELD OF DREAMS (1989)

 

“Field of Dreams” is a sports drama, screenplay by Phil Alden Robinson based on the novel by W.P.Kinsella and Directed by Phil Alden Robinson

In the extraordinary story, Iowa corn farmer Ray Kinsella (Kevin Costner) hears a voice in his corn field telling him, “If you build it, he will come” and he interpreted this message as an instruction to build a baseball diamond on his farm, with the support of his wife Annie (Amy Madigan) and daughter Karin (Gaby Hoffmann).

Upon completion of the diamond players appear from the corn, the ghosts of Shoeless Joe Jackson (Ray Liotta) and the other seven Chicago White Sox players who were banned from the game for throwing the 1919 World Series.

When the voices continue, Ray goes on the road to seek out a reclusive author Terence Mann (James Earl Jones) to help him understand the meaning of the messages and the purpose for his field.

Before they can head back to the farm they are directed to seek out Dr. Archibald 'Moonlight' Graham (Burt Lancaster) and find his ghost, and then on the way home they pick up a hitch hiker who turns out to be to young wannabee ball player, Archie Graham (Frank Whaley) and Kinsella has his ball team, but there is one more surprise for Ray when his father John (Dwier Brown) appears on the diamond.

Field Of Dreams is a Timeless Classic and a perfect example of a movie that finds meaning, not in aspects of the story, but rather in the underlying emotional core and heart that defines the story.

WHEN SATURDAY COMES

 

I support them as they’re from my hometown

I’ve supported them for years it would seem

Before the start of every single game at home

They announce the crowd changes to the team

 

Come next year the team may well be in Europe

But that would only happen if there is a war I fear

If you ask them “what time does the match start?”

They just reply “well what time can you get here”

 

The team does a lap of honor if they win the toss

This does at least get the meager crowd humming

To take the pressure off and to help our keeper

We put a Bell in the ball so he can hear it coming

 

We have the strongest team in the football league

From the bottom we have to hold the rest up

We're always the bookie's favorite for the drop

For we’ve never won a title a trophy or a cup

 

My father exposed me to this when I was a boy

Since, Saturday afternoons are spent in torture 

I now expose my children to sad match days

And their children will also suffer in the future

IF YOUR TEAM IS DOING WELL

 

If your team is doing well

You can carry a player with flare

But if they’re doing badly

He’s no more than a waste of air

WE HAVE A GREAT SCOTTISH INTERNATIONAL

 

We have a great Scottish international

By the name of Jim McKee

Well, when I say he’s a Scottish

His parents once went to Dundee

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE NATURAL (1984)

 

 “The Natural” is a sports drama, based on the novel by Bernard Malamud and Directed by Barry Levinson.

The story is about an unknown middle-aged batter named Roy Hobbs (Robert Redford) with a mysterious past, who appears out of nowhere to join a struggling team as a rookie in the 1930’s, much to the disgust of coach Pop Fisher (Wilford Brimley) who thinks the teams owner The Judge (Robert Prosky) is deliberately trying to scupper the team, so he refuses to play Hobbs on principle.

But he does have an ally in assistant coach Red Blow (Richard Farnsworth) and eventually Pop relents and Hobbs takes a losing baseball team to the top of the league with the aid of a bat cut from a lightning struck tree.

But it soon becomes apparent that it’s more important to the Judge that the team fail and when bribes don’t work, femme fatal Memo Paris (Kim Basinger) tries to distract him, and it appears to be working until his childhood sweetheart Iris Gaines (Glenn Close) appears one day in the stands and gets him back on track.

It takes reporter Max Mercy (Robert Duvall) to uncover the story of Roy Hobbs mysterious past as he begins to bask in the fame he should have had earlier in his life when, as a rising pitcher, he was inexplicably shot by a young woman, Harriet Bird (Barbara Hershey) in a hotel room.

 

OUR TEAM PLAY AT AN HISTORIC GROUND

 

Our team play at an historic ground

We on the terraces all proudly roar

All the visiting fans shout in reply

That it’s an old run-down eye sore

IT'S ONLY A GAME

 

"It's only a game,” they might say

It’s not a life and death thing

No one ever says, "It's only a game"

When their team is winning.

THAT’S NOT CRICKET

 

Cricket is not my sport, that I have to say

But the game appears to be in the doldrums

For me, the most exciting part of the match

Are the barmy army beating their drums

The event is spread over five full days

In an effort to make it appear more fun

But if they want to make it more exciting

They should make them play tip and run

CAN’T PLAY AWAY

 

The eternal problems for all football teams

Was keeping players fit to fulfil their dreams

As with unfit players they were bound to fail

But today the problem is keeping them out of jail

BRIDGE ANYONE?

 

A game of Bridge is just like sex

As I recall

If you have a good hand

You don't need a partner at all

WE HAVE A GREAT IRISH INTERNATIONAL

 

We have a great Irish international

By the name of Kevin O’Rourke

Well, when I say he’s Irish

His parents once went to Cork

SPORTY WIFE

 

Now I keep telling my wife

No matter what she may have thought

In no way shape or form

Can shopping be considered as a sport

IN THE PROGRAM THEY SAY OF HIM

 

In the program they say of him

That he is a loyal player to the team

But in truth no other club

Will have him it would seem

WINE DOWN UNDER

 

Don’t buy any Australian wine’s next year

Because since they lost the World Cup I fear

When we knocked them off their ivory tower

All of their grapes have suddenly gone sour

 

Written after the 2003 Rugby World Cup Final

 

IF NANI WAS IN YOUR TEAM

 

If Nani was in your team

Would you enjoy his flare?

Well, I can tell it has its place

But he just shows off to be fair

STRIKER

 

A new striker was signed for united

And to make his debut he was invited

The manager spoke to the debutante

Uttering words of encouragement

“If your performance is not sublime

I’ll have to pull you off at half time”

The striker attempting to be witty

Said “we only got a cup of tea at city”

WE HAVE A GREAT WELSH INTERNATIONAL

We have a great Welsh international

Known affectionately as Griff

Well, when I say he’s Welsh

His parents once went to Cardiff

WE HAVE A MIDFIELD GENERAL # 2

 

We have a midfield General

Highly talented but temperamental

A hard working terrier

But on a bad day he’s just mental

I WAS DRIVING HOME AFTER THE MATCH

 

I was driving home after the match

Listening to the report on the BBC

It was described as a fascinating contest

Which surprised the hell out of me

Far from being an interesting match

It was the most boring thing you could see

VERY ECONOMICAL WITH THE BALL

 

Very economical with the ball

That is a quality worth merit

Our captain is only economical

As he’s too slow to get near it

PRIORITISING

 

Players perform elaborate routines

When goals are scored by my team

They must practise them for days

But I would prefer in many ways

That the celebration performers

Would practise defending corners

THE LEADER TOUCHED A BUOY

The leader touched a buoy

During the course of race,

When he got to the shore

His mother slapped his face

 

WE HAVE A MIDFIELD GENERAL # 1

 

We have a midfield General

Who’s really completive and hard

But everyone that we play

Just think he’s a dirty bastard